I saw a few articles today on Yahoo.com about couples fighting, and it got me thinking. Imagine that. Y’all know I’m always bragging about Mr. Wonderful, well it wasn’t always like that.
Mr. Wonderful and I were married in December 2003, and it was a rocky start from the beginning. We had six children between us, yes I said six. His three children were fine with him dating me, but marrying me brought a whole different attitude. The video of my wedding was useless because all you could hear was Mr. Wonderful’s children crying, or heck it may have been my mother-in-law (that’s a whole different post for another day). Throw in a change in my job because the person I worked for and trusted more then anyone in this world turned out to be a nut job, a miscarriage, Baby James’ birth and death, typical teenage issues with my kids, absolute craziness that Alyssa’s birth father brought into the mix and our marriage fell apart. Yes, I said fell apart.
In November of 2006 Carl moved out. I was devasted. During this seperation people/friends/family made the seperation more painful by taking sides, stirring the pot etc. However, Mr. Wonderful and I did none of the typical things people do when going thru a divorce. We had very little contact with each other for two months. He continued to have a relationship with Alyssa and I encouraged that. I was heart broken.
Remember that faith that I’m always talking about? I used it, daily, hourly sometimes by the minute. I found a book Divorce Busting, a website connected to the book and prayer. I reached out to my pastor. I wrote a letter to some of the couples at my church and asked them to join me in a prayer war to save my marriage, I could feel those prayers. (If you need prayer for your marriage send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll pray for your marriage.)
Mr. Wonderful finally called and said he wanted to talk. We both made a lot of changes. It didn’t hurt that we found a counselor that we both trusted, and spent 50 weeks working on our marriage. We learned a lot.
- Fighting is healthy. Fighting fair I should say.
- Communication is neccesary. Even communicating things that are hard to communicate.
- Family/Friends (even children) sometimes have to take a back burner to your spouse.
- What is right for your marriage, might not be right for all marriages.
- There are three sides to everything, his, mine and the truth.
Today we do things differently then we did in November 2006. Mr. Wonderful doesn’t spend every weekend working a second job. I look for ways to make Mr. Wonderful feel special (when he wakes up today he’ll find “I Love You” on his bathroom mirror).
The situation with Mr. Wonderful’s children is still bad. It may always be bad, and we accept that. It would be bad regardless of who he was married to, their mother would see to that. I encourage Mr. Wonderful to spend time with them, he drove down yesterday and spent the day with them. I gave him gift cards for his birthday and a card that said spend these on a day with the kids. I didn’t call him one time while he was gone, I don’t have to. I had not one moment of “poor me” while he was gone for the day. I no longer spend any energy trying to be a “stepmother”, but I spend twice as much energy being a great wife.
We no longer let other people tell us what is “normal” and “not normal”. Our marriage works for us and that’s all that matters.
So happily ever after might just happen!