Hurt

Today was a tough day.  I find myself sleeping way too much and it reminds me of another time in life.  A time that was dark and ugly.  I refuse to go back there, life is too good to not fight to enjoy it.  I owe The Baby Girl a fight and I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of how sad I feel.

The Baby Girl and I had a session with her therapist today, and I continue to be amazed at how “OK” she is.  There she sit in the office, her dressed up and carrying her DB purse.  She answered the questions but seem distracted.  Oh that’s right she has two friends waiting in the lobby.  I was pretty happy to know that with all the crap going on she was just being a typical teenager, actually made me smile.

I said it out loud today, my poor choices give us consequences I wish I could change.  I picked a loser to reproduce with and my sweet girl pays the price.  My sweet girl sits in counseling weekly and tries to process how for over half of her 12 years she hasn’t had a father.  She has written him a letter and I guess tomorrow we will mail it.  I’m not sure how I feel about the letter or the fact that she continues to give the POS chance after chance.  I don’t bad mouth him, I never mention him unless she does, I don’t encourage or discourage her.  I love her and all I want is for her to understand, but how can she understand when I can’t begin to understand.

She is a great kid and The Sperm Donor has caused her so much pain, and I don’t think he will ever do anything but cause her pain.  We told her in counseling today how close he lives to us.  We talked about boundaries and what she should do if she runs into him by herself.  I continue to think about moving and am pretty sure that’s the only way I’m going to be comfortable.

I know as sure as I’m sitting on the couch at 5 a.m. unable to sleep that The Baby Girl was a gift to me.  She has been the biggest blessing to me and I try to imagine what my life would be like without her here talking 24-7.  I can’t imagine.  I know that Mr. Wonderful was meant to be her dad and he is.  The Sperm Donor may share her DNA but that’s where his title begins and ends, he hasn’t been a parent from the beginning.

I hope The Baby Girl continues to process all of this and that she continues to know she is amazing.

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Casey Anthony Is Free Get Over It

Ok, so for three years I was convinced Casey Anthony would never see the light of day, smell fresh air that wasn’t fenced in with a 6 foot fence wrapped in barb wire, or enter another hot body contest…..well I was mistaken.  I for sure never imagined her prancing out of jail in her Ralph Lauren t-shirt with her smarmy attorney at midnight….but that is reality.  The good guys didn’t win.  Justice was not served for that sweet little girl.  Lady Justice messed up, we have a mother who got away with at the least dumping her child’s dead body.  Even if it was an accident who dumps or allows someone to dump their child and then goes out and parties?

Mr. Mason well don’t get me started.  Goes to show you that intelligence doesn’t give you class.  You all but spit on a little 3 year old child’s grave and then you go out and celebrate while flipping people off, now that is class.

I have written in the past about Cindy Anthony and how I understand her loving her daughter and even respect it, but come on lady.  Do you remember that a sweet little girl is dead?  The Tooth Fairy didn’t kill her, HELLO.

My heart goes out to George, I hope he finds a way to escape.  I wish someone would charter a plane for him and let him go off to a hidden hideaway.  He deserves it.  I have come to think that the entire Anthony Family was aware of what her defense would be and that they did nothing to stop her.  I won’t judge what I would do because I am honest enough to know that until faced with that I have no idea and neither does anyone else regardless of what they say.  I hope Mallory thinks long and hard before becoming Mrs. Lee Anthony….talk about the mother-in-law from hell.  Cindy gives a new meaning to Monster-In-Law.

I won’t lie and say I understand this or like it.  I will say I am beginning to think justice may be served just not as quickly or as swiftly as we would all like to see.  Can you imagine anyone who would want to change places with Casey, Cindy, George or Lee?  Talk about a hot mess.  I wonder if they’ll draw names for Christmas?

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She Is With Me (US)

Where do I start?  My dear friend is gone, there is no denying it.  I still think about calling her, I still need to call her.  I can think of at least a dozen times I’ve thought about what Ingrid would think or say about this or that.  At those times I usually just cry.  She was my sounding board, my biggest cheerleader, my friend, and really just a part of me.  She “got it”, the good, the bad it didn’t matter she wanted people to appreciate who they were and how they got there.  She was one of a kind!

Ingrid was the first person I ever talked about death with, well the first person I ever talked about death with who was dying.  She called me in December and told me she was dying and she knew it.  It was a Monday and I was sitting on the couch and I remember hanging up the phone and just laying down and sobbing.  I guess I knew since December in my brain but my heart just never got there.  We talked about her death a lot for the last week, peaceful is just not a big enough word for how she felt.  She told me a few days before she died, “I’m the happiest woman in the world.”  She was.  I remember laying my head beside her in her bed that weekend and telling her my heart hurt and her telling me it would be ok.  She acted like I was crazy until I told her if the roles were reversed she would be sad, she said…”Oh yeah, Baby Girl I would hate to see you in this bed instead of my old ass.”  She gave us all strength, there was times when I wondered if she put on her big girl panties just to protect us all.  She was amazing.

I never would promise her to stay out of the tanning bed, she tried.  I told her I would be careful.  So Friday when I pulled into the parking lot at the tanning bed I felt a little guilt, but I reminded myself I didn’t promise her.  I got inside and when I was signing in I realized I didn’t have my keys.  I knew before I even made it to the car I had locked my keys in my car….well I actually looked up at heaven and said, “Ok Ingrid I know you are pissed, but my keys really?”  I went in and spent 6 minutes in the tanning bed, I said I’d be careful.

I came home and watched a DVR of Oprah and it was so “Ingrid”.  It was all about people being who they were meant to be and having dreams and making them come true…yeap that was Ingrid.  I couldn’t decide if I was sad or happy.  I miss her like crazy, but I wouldn’t trade my friendship and all the good times we had even for all the pain and sadness I feel now.

I headed out to the backyard with a good book still smiling thinking about her and when I opened the backdoor something caught my eye…two beautiful black butterflies.  One flew away when I got in the yard and the other just kinda hung around.

I sit outside and just looked up at the heavens like she told me and thought about her.  I had a great afternoon.

Mr. Wonderful came home from work and commented about all the bird shit in the backyard and I just started laughing, she told T.B. she would feel her presence in birds and T.B. recently had a cardinal build a nest in a fake tree on her patio and now my backyard is being invaded by birds.  No doubt she is still with me…us!  I miss you Ms. Ingrid Fabian!

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My Kids

I had the best day today!  It was simple BUT so much fun.  Actually the entire weekend was fun.  I sometimes feel like these kids are growing up so fast and they have forgotten about “Good ole’ Mom or Ma if you are Shane” and then they do something I know they really care less about and they do it just for me.  Like color and hunt Easter eggs…..

The quotes from this weekend are classic.  “I’m sure my basket is the best”, says the 21 year old son, “Why do you say that”, is asked by the 12 year old….his reply, “Because I’m her favorite.”    Did I mention this conversation took place between an adult and a child?

The baskets were all EQUAL.  No one had a better basket.  I swear.

They do not come any cuter!  This girl was an hour late for dinner, I couldn’t even be mad….not when she sent me the cutest text ever.

I love when Lena says, “Take another picture of me.”  The above picture of Shane reminds me of when Lena use to dress him up like a girl and pretend he was her sister.  L.O.V.E.!

I was reminded today that my grown kids have class.  I was reminded that even though I have been far from perfect I obviously did something right.  They amaze me.

I am one very lucky mother!

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Blessed Day 1

I’ve decided that at least for the next thirty days I’m going to post something on my Facebook wall that I feel thankful/blessed to have.  No big surprise today I picked Mr. Wonderful.  I tell him all the time how thankful I am to have him as my partner in life, during good and bad he is by my side.  Blessed I am.  I was smiling from ear to ear when I noticed that he commented back that he’s lucky to have me.  I know he feels that way, but it was still nice to see.  I’ve blogged in the past that our road had been quite bumpy and most of the bumps weren’t even our own doing.  I was talking to a friend today about how hurt I get for him and the nonsense that people who claim to love him throw his way on a regular basis and she reminded me of one of my favorite quotes. 

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” Wayne Dyer

I have to say if this saying is true, there are some folks who better be watching for a semi to come rolling over them.  I have asked myself for seven years what I was suppose to learn from the heartache that these mean spirited people have brought to my doorstep.  I am starting to “see” the lessons.

  • I don’t judge people like I use to, I never will again.
  • I will be loving and supportive to my children and their decision in relationships.
  • I don’t “stretch” the truth about ailments, I’ve been living “the little boy who cried wolf story” (it’s just not a little boy, it’s an adult) for seven years and it’s not pretty.  I have learned to laugh about it though instead of getting angry.
  • You don’t hurt people you really love, and by pretending their spouse doesn’t exist you are hurting him whether you want to believe it or not.

I love Mr. Wonderful and I know that the very people who did everything in their power in the past and in the present to come between us have actually made us closer to each other, blessed The Kid with a loving father, and made him see they don’t love him they just want to control him.  Sad huh?

I get tickled when I think about these folks and the fact that they call themselves “Christian”.  Really.  Well I wonder where you missed-

That is why a man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24

“Do not judge—or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?” Matthew 7:1-4.

A glad heart makes a cheerful face, but by sorrow of heart the spirit is crushed. The heart of him who has understanding seeks knowledge, but the mouths of fools feed on folly.  Proverbs 15:13-14

I use to spend so much time trying to figure out who the prank phone calls were from or why these people wanted Mr. Wonderful alone and single and then we went to counseling and Mr. Wonderful heard loud and clear….”These people do not care about your happiness.”  I still remember the counselor telling him if he was marrried to The Mother Theresa they would find fault in her.  I just don’t understand it.  I have plenty of people that I love and care about and I don’t particularly like their spouse guess what, “I suck it up.”

I spent more sleepless nights wondering how someone could tell me they were “relieved” my infant son died in my arms, but you know six years later I know God allowed me to hear that comment to understand just how sick this individual was.  I bet I have told 50 people about this comment and all of them have offered to kick her butt.  I know I don’t have to worry about that because she’ll stand before God someday and be held accountable for that statement.  It’s not my place to judge.  I’ve made it a full-time job to love my husband in spite of it all and make sure we cling to each other even tighter.

So what started out as hearbreaking has turned into a blessing, I will love my children’s spouses whether I like them or not.  I will never make my children pick between me or their spouse.  I know seems like common sense but nope it’s not believe me.

I have had years of not having to deal with these folks and have been quite content.  I wonder when they will realize I am complimented by their dislike of me.  It reminds me that birds of a feather really do flock together and since I happen to have a huge heart, am a Christian, strive to do the right thing, have never stolen anything, love to have fun and avoid drama at all cost I totally understand why these folks “don’t like me.”  I’m thankful. 

I will encourage my own children to be respect their new stepmother.  They don’t have to like her and I actually smile when The First Born describes her soon to be stepmother as “different”.  I just want them to have a good relationship with their dad and his spouse will be a big part of that relationship so I encourage them to accept the good in her and overlook the quirks.  After all don’t we all have quirks?  I would be so upset with my kids if they treated this woman with anything but respect and kindness after all what would it say about me as a mom if I raised a couple of heathens.  I have learned that some folks just don’t get that, again another blessing.

Mr. Wonderful may not be perfect, but he’s perfect for me!  He knows I never asked him to choose, I just asked for him to “protect” me from the craziness and he has.  I asked that people who came to home respected me, they couldn’t.

If you are reading this and your a nasty mother-in-law or a pot stirring stepchild be careful you might end up married into a similiar situation.  Remember karma.  More importantly remember you aren’t hurting the person you are trying to hurt, because the person you are trying to hurt is sitting back shaking their head at how crazy you are….the person you are hurting is the person you claim to love.

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2,190 Days

Dear Little Guy-

Where do I start?  It’s been six years, yeap 2,190 days since I shared those 52 sweet minutes with you.  I still miss you so much it takes my breath away when I really let myself “go there”.  I love you, it’s that simple.  I spent those months with just me and you; I knew in my heart that everything was going to finally work out and we were going to add a little of me and a little of daddy to this world.  We did, we just didn’t get to keep you here as long as we needed to.

I must say you sure “connected” Daddy and I.  I’ve never loved anyone like I love him and so much of that comes from those days when he was doing nothing but protecting me.  He knew I couldn’t function and even though his heart was breaking he was my hero and I will never forget that.  Tonight when I finally make it to bed and I snuggle up next to him I know he’s the only other person on this earth whose heart hurts as much as mine does when 2/28 rolls around.

Remember me promising to always “celebrate” you?  Well your “big sister” surprised me she is spending the night here and spending the day with good ole’ mom.  Pretty amazing don’t you agree?  She’s requested meatloaf for dinner and since it’s Daddy’s favorite, meatloaf it will be.  I can only imagine a six year old little boy turning his nose up and saying, “meatloaf, really?”  Sorry, Little Guy your family obviously isn’t very creative in the food department.

Tomorrow at some point I’ll get your “box” down and spend a few minutes with just me and you.  It’s a tradition and I always wonder if it’ll be the last year I feel the need to do it, we’ll see I guess.  I still love finding “your blanket” and holding it to my face and remembering for the longest time I could still smell you, not anymore.  I love the print out of your heart beat, I had awesome nurses who snuck and done sweet things like that. 

I imagine you in heaven today with your birthday buddy Barb, the two of you celebrating and her telling you how much your mommy loves you and looks forward to the day you meet me at the gates, I have no doubt you’ll be there to show me where you’ve been.  I love you sweet baby boy!!!

I know God gave you to me for a reason, I change my mind all the time about what those reasons are/were, but I’m proud he trusted me with you and your story.  You are a part of who we are, you existed, I have four children.  I have gotten more comfortable saying I have three children on earth and one in heaven.  Pretty simple, but boy is it a conversation stopper. 

Today is your day and I’m going to celebrate what you brought to this earth and what you taught so many of us.  I love you!

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Happy Birthday Queen Bee

 

I couldn’t wait to see what my book that Ingrid gave me for a “love gift” had to say today on her birthday.  The book is The Book of Awakening and I recommend everyone get a copy.

Simplicity

I have just three things to teach:

simplicity, patience, compassion.

These are your greatest tresures.

Simple in actions and in thoughts,

you return to the Source of Being.

Lao-Tzu

 God is good because those words could have very easily come out of Ingrid’s mouth. 

Today I celebrate the woman I call friend, and oh what a friend she is.  I can’t think of another person who has taught me more about life.  I can think of people who have judged or tried to get me to do things the way they thought I should, but Ingrid has a way of “teaching” that touches not only your heart but your soul.  She can help you to do the right thing without ever telling you what the right thing is.  I wish we all had that gift, it’s amazing.

I watch her and Jen together and Iknow God brought them into my life to show me what a mother and daughter relationship is suppose to be about.  It’s beautiful.  I tease Jen all the time and tell her I hope my girls love me half as much as she loves Ingrid, Jen assures me they do…..the jury is still out on that.

This picture is who this woman is!  As we were shaving her head she was telling us how the woman at the wig store told her she had a perfect head, yeap I was there that’s what she told her.  I see the gang behind her and her looking in that mirror and thinking, “This aint so bad.”  Really?  Could you have had that much grit, I couldn’t have and still don’t.  She is my hero!!

Ingrid today we celebrate 60 I have no doubt we’ll celebrate 80 in another 20!  I love you lady!!  Thank you not only for the friendship we share, but for Jen and what she means to me and of course most importantly for the love you show my girl.  I have no doubt when she’s a teenager and driving me crazy, you’ll be coming over and rescuing her just like you do Shawn.  You’ll be reminding me how I was at that age and that whatever she has done isn’t really that big in the whole picture.  See I do listen.

One of my favorite pictures of all times.  Mel is a cancer survivor and I knew when she was hugging Ingrid they were both thinking the same thing, “You’ve got this, you can beat it I did.”  Truer words were never spoken.  From Mel’s lips to God ears.

Ingrid I love you!

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Deserves A Prince Charming….

I love that Kelly is giving me the opportunity to “shop” for Mel a good man.  Why didn’t I think of this before?  Why have I not “butted in” before now is what I’m asking myself.  I never think anyone is good enough for her and I’m sure I never will UNLESS I find him.  If you have someone that is single that deserves a good catch stop over at Kelly’s she has 100’s of singles over there. 

Mel AKA Melissa or “Aunt Melissa” to my three kids is a great catch, heck if I was a man she’d be my pick.  She is beautiful on the inside and out, loves a good adventure-she is currently looking for someone to go Zip Lining (that won’t be me).  She has a heart of gold, we’ve been friends for nearly 20 years and as far as I know I’ve never made her mad (we’ll see if I keep that track record after this post) and that is saying a lot if you know me.

Melissa is a wonderful mom to her daughter Genna who is 12. 

You can always count on Melissa; it doesn’t matter if your celebrating or down in the dumps Melissa is a friend thru and thru.

The details….she will be 42 this year, loves to travel, has 1 daughter, 2 dogs and a best friend that will hurt you if you are not good to her.  Leave me a comment or email me at paperglueetc@yahoo.com if you are Prince Charming….if you aren’t Prince Charming….you need not apply.

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Happy Place-I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours!

Visit thecsiproject.com

I picked my word for 2011 and it’s change, I need a change.  I spent 2010 just “getting by” and 2011 is the year I am going to start checking things off my To Do List.  I’m going to focus more energy on me and what puts a smile on my face and less time on whoever or whatever.  Sounds selfish doesn’t it?  Oh well, can’t do anything about it.  I’m doing it.

The first thing I’m going to change is getting all areas of my house organized.  My house is clean for the most most part, I just haven’t figured out that concept that everything has a home.  I have a little here and a little there.  I have three children with A.D.D. and pretty sure one mom A.K.A. me with A.D.D.  Chaos. 

The one area I’ve mastered systems and getting on track with organizing is The Happy Place and because I’ve gotten things figured out in that room I tend to go back and “tweek” it all the time.  The closet is my new obsession, currently it is being used for off season clothes and I’m about to change that.  I wish I had a picture of Mr. Wonderful rolling his eyes, oh well I guess you can imagine that.

In January of 2009 The Happy Place was in the basement and it looked liked this.  You can see more about the beginning of the switch here.  I wanted to move it upstairs and make me more available when I wanted to create.  Mr. Wonderful was not happy.  The eye rolling was about to get into high gear.

dscf6961

He rolled his eyes when I told him the room was being named “The Happy Place”, he rolled them again when he had to assist with the vinyl word placement.

I have “fixed” a couple of areas, my labeler has become my best friend.

I buy things sometimes on a whim and yes Mr. Wonderful rolls his eyes, and this little caddy was one of those purchases.  I love it and it’s so practical for me.  I keep it close enough to my work space that I can grab anything I need.

Every girl needs one of these, I found mine at Michael’s.

Do you recognize?  A great $3 purchase from Goodwill, an old cassette holder is perfect for Stampin’ Up inkpads.

Each drawer has smaller dividers and there is a system that I udnerstand and I think that is all that matters.  It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you.  My system works for me.

I tried several systmes for my punches, again this simple system is the best for me.  I’d love to see other folk’s ideas.

Do you love my dresser?  I love it, again another eye roll from Mr. Wonderful.  It is organized and each drawer holds a ton of goodies.  See the large white empty bowl?  She is going to be a beauty on my new desk.  I have a little favor to ask what color would you paint the desk?  The walls are that gorgeous butter color, and the curtains are red and white polka dotted….oh the choices for my desk.  I keep seeing a bird on a branch.  We’ll see I guess.

One of my goals for The Happy Place is to get rid of a lot probably not all but a lot of the plastic.  I have recently bought some adorable glass containers, clear and Milk Glass and I’m excited about switching it all out.

I’d love to do something like this, isn’t it stinking cute?  Mr. Wonderful wouldn’t even give it enough attention to warrant an eye roll, so I’m not sure how I’ll get this project done.

I have been stalking reading other folks blogs and let’s say I’ve found some “Happy Places” that made me swoon.  I can’t begin to explain how much I love what Nicole has done with her studio.  I want to organize my alphabets like this……

Alphabet_storage

I would love to see all of your studios, I would love your ideas, I would love to share with you.

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Finding My Mojo

Ok, I have decided to find my MoJo.  I cleaned the Happy Place and no MoJo was found.  I thought maybe it was hiding in there.  It wasn’t.  The good news is I can find the table to scrapbook once I find my MoJo.  I can’t remember one page I scrapbooked in 2010.  That is sad!!  I made a few cards, but no pages. 

So The Happy Place is clean.

I noticed a few things when I took these pictures.  My Cricut is still in the back of my car from Christmas, I think I’ll get that and bring it in.  I need new picture boxes, I don’t like the mix-match reds ones anymore.  I need thumbtacks for my bulletin board, I guess mine are holding up Justin Beiber posters in The Kid’s room.  I love The Happy Place.

I have signed up for an online class, because there are none local that looked as much fun.

Big Picture Classes

I wanted a class that “pushed” me and my style.  I tend to do a lot of “clean & simple” pages.  I wanted to do a little of this and a little of that.  I searched for days for the right class and after lots of stalking reading of blogs etc. I decided on this Creative Retreat Workshop

If you know me you will know that I was sold when I stopped by May Flaum’s blog and saw the below pic.  Swoon!

So I ordered some goodies this week and they came in the mail yesterday.  Now I need to figure out a plan for my Art Journal. I have been looking at a few blogs suggested on class handout.

aliedwards.com

 www.balzerdesigns.typepad.com

www.cathyzielske.typepad.com

www.claudinehellmuth.blogspot.com

www.dinastamps.typepad.com

www.rebeccasower.typepad.com

Looking forward to finding my MoJo!

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