What Does It All Mean?

The last couple of months have been some of the toughest of my life.  I’m not going to go into great detail, but I am going to say people sure can be disappointing.  I’ve tried so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt and love them unconditionally, it’s growing harder day by day.

I’ve learned that I can survive ANYTHING, I am stronger then I ever dreamed and I love my kids with everything I am. 

I may not be “the best mom”, I’ve even wondered recently what I’ve done right.  I still haven’t figured out the answer, but I do know I’ve done the best that I was capable of doing at that very minute.  Do I have regrets?  Is the sky blue?  Would I like a “do over”, you betcha.

I have actually sit in the dark this week reflecting on motherhood and laughed out loud at the irony.  I have four children, three here on earth.  I have been a different mom to each of them for many different reasons and I am pretty sure the one I disappointed and let down the most is at this time the biggest blessing I have.  Will that change, I sure hope so.  Wait I want that to change, yeap I do.  I want to have three children who appreciate me, love me in spite of my screw ups, and check in every now and then.  Right now that just isn’t my reality and I’m not sure how to let go of the hurt, the anger and the disappointment.

I appreciate my first born and am pretty sure I don’t tell her often enough.  I happen to know she is a reader of the old blog and I hope this post put a smile on her face.  Love you beautiful girl!  (We need a new picture ASAP this one was taken prior to a 30 lb. weight loss…another example of a Mother’s Love, this is awful of me and adorable of her….but then I don’t think she has ever taken a bad picture…..as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside…..)