Hurt

Today was a tough day.  I find myself sleeping way too much and it reminds me of another time in life.  A time that was dark and ugly.  I refuse to go back there, life is too good to not fight to enjoy it.  I owe The Baby Girl a fight and I’m going to keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of how sad I feel.

The Baby Girl and I had a session with her therapist today, and I continue to be amazed at how “OK” she is.  There she sit in the office, her dressed up and carrying her DB purse.  She answered the questions but seem distracted.  Oh that’s right she has two friends waiting in the lobby.  I was pretty happy to know that with all the crap going on she was just being a typical teenager, actually made me smile.

I said it out loud today, my poor choices give us consequences I wish I could change.  I picked a loser to reproduce with and my sweet girl pays the price.  My sweet girl sits in counseling weekly and tries to process how for over half of her 12 years she hasn’t had a father.  She has written him a letter and I guess tomorrow we will mail it.  I’m not sure how I feel about the letter or the fact that she continues to give the POS chance after chance.  I don’t bad mouth him, I never mention him unless she does, I don’t encourage or discourage her.  I love her and all I want is for her to understand, but how can she understand when I can’t begin to understand.

She is a great kid and The Sperm Donor has caused her so much pain, and I don’t think he will ever do anything but cause her pain.  We told her in counseling today how close he lives to us.  We talked about boundaries and what she should do if she runs into him by herself.  I continue to think about moving and am pretty sure that’s the only way I’m going to be comfortable.

I know as sure as I’m sitting on the couch at 5 a.m. unable to sleep that The Baby Girl was a gift to me.  She has been the biggest blessing to me and I try to imagine what my life would be like without her here talking 24-7.  I can’t imagine.  I know that Mr. Wonderful was meant to be her dad and he is.  The Sperm Donor may share her DNA but that’s where his title begins and ends, he hasn’t been a parent from the beginning.

I hope The Baby Girl continues to process all of this and that she continues to know she is amazing.