She Is With Me (US)

Where do I start?  My dear friend is gone, there is no denying it.  I still think about calling her, I still need to call her.  I can think of at least a dozen times I’ve thought about what Ingrid would think or say about this or that.  At those times I usually just cry.  She was my sounding board, my biggest cheerleader, my friend, and really just a part of me.  She “got it”, the good, the bad it didn’t matter she wanted people to appreciate who they were and how they got there.  She was one of a kind!

Ingrid was the first person I ever talked about death with, well the first person I ever talked about death with who was dying.  She called me in December and told me she was dying and she knew it.  It was a Monday and I was sitting on the couch and I remember hanging up the phone and just laying down and sobbing.  I guess I knew since December in my brain but my heart just never got there.  We talked about her death a lot for the last week, peaceful is just not a big enough word for how she felt.  She told me a few days before she died, “I’m the happiest woman in the world.”  She was.  I remember laying my head beside her in her bed that weekend and telling her my heart hurt and her telling me it would be ok.  She acted like I was crazy until I told her if the roles were reversed she would be sad, she said…”Oh yeah, Baby Girl I would hate to see you in this bed instead of my old ass.”  She gave us all strength, there was times when I wondered if she put on her big girl panties just to protect us all.  She was amazing.

I never would promise her to stay out of the tanning bed, she tried.  I told her I would be careful.  So Friday when I pulled into the parking lot at the tanning bed I felt a little guilt, but I reminded myself I didn’t promise her.  I got inside and when I was signing in I realized I didn’t have my keys.  I knew before I even made it to the car I had locked my keys in my car….well I actually looked up at heaven and said, “Ok Ingrid I know you are pissed, but my keys really?”  I went in and spent 6 minutes in the tanning bed, I said I’d be careful.

I came home and watched a DVR of Oprah and it was so “Ingrid”.  It was all about people being who they were meant to be and having dreams and making them come true…yeap that was Ingrid.  I couldn’t decide if I was sad or happy.  I miss her like crazy, but I wouldn’t trade my friendship and all the good times we had even for all the pain and sadness I feel now.

I headed out to the backyard with a good book still smiling thinking about her and when I opened the backdoor something caught my eye…two beautiful black butterflies.  One flew away when I got in the yard and the other just kinda hung around.

I sit outside and just looked up at the heavens like she told me and thought about her.  I had a great afternoon.

Mr. Wonderful came home from work and commented about all the bird shit in the backyard and I just started laughing, she told T.B. she would feel her presence in birds and T.B. recently had a cardinal build a nest in a fake tree on her patio and now my backyard is being invaded by birds.  No doubt she is still with me…us!  I miss you Ms. Ingrid Fabian!