2,190 Days

Dear Little Guy-

Where do I start?  It’s been six years, yeap 2,190 days since I shared those 52 sweet minutes with you.  I still miss you so much it takes my breath away when I really let myself “go there”.  I love you, it’s that simple.  I spent those months with just me and you; I knew in my heart that everything was going to finally work out and we were going to add a little of me and a little of daddy to this world.  We did, we just didn’t get to keep you here as long as we needed to.

I must say you sure “connected” Daddy and I.  I’ve never loved anyone like I love him and so much of that comes from those days when he was doing nothing but protecting me.  He knew I couldn’t function and even though his heart was breaking he was my hero and I will never forget that.  Tonight when I finally make it to bed and I snuggle up next to him I know he’s the only other person on this earth whose heart hurts as much as mine does when 2/28 rolls around.

Remember me promising to always “celebrate” you?  Well your “big sister” surprised me she is spending the night here and spending the day with good ole’ mom.  Pretty amazing don’t you agree?  She’s requested meatloaf for dinner and since it’s Daddy’s favorite, meatloaf it will be.  I can only imagine a six year old little boy turning his nose up and saying, “meatloaf, really?”  Sorry, Little Guy your family obviously isn’t very creative in the food department.

Tomorrow at some point I’ll get your “box” down and spend a few minutes with just me and you.  It’s a tradition and I always wonder if it’ll be the last year I feel the need to do it, we’ll see I guess.  I still love finding “your blanket” and holding it to my face and remembering for the longest time I could still smell you, not anymore.  I love the print out of your heart beat, I had awesome nurses who snuck and done sweet things like that. 

I imagine you in heaven today with your birthday buddy Barb, the two of you celebrating and her telling you how much your mommy loves you and looks forward to the day you meet me at the gates, I have no doubt you’ll be there to show me where you’ve been.  I love you sweet baby boy!!!

I know God gave you to me for a reason, I change my mind all the time about what those reasons are/were, but I’m proud he trusted me with you and your story.  You are a part of who we are, you existed, I have four children.  I have gotten more comfortable saying I have three children on earth and one in heaven.  Pretty simple, but boy is it a conversation stopper. 

Today is your day and I’m going to celebrate what you brought to this earth and what you taught so many of us.  I love you!

About Michelle

I started my blog as a way to connect with other paper crafters and of course it has gone a totally different direction. I've been able to share my experience as a mother, my hurt and disappointments over not having a relationship with my maternal unit, my walk with God and how knowing Him has changed me and continues to help me grow into the person I strive to be......
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