Letter To Me

Today as I wiped the tears from The Baby Girl’s sweet little face I can honestly say I saw myself. I wondered how different my life would be today if I had someone that looked out for me when I was a young girl. Let me rephrase that, I wonder what my life would be like if I had a mother that looked out for me. I’ll never forget I did have someone who looked out for me, a loving grandmother. Even that relationship was tarnished with the evil and hurtful things my maternal unit constantly put in my head. I was a little girl and I trusted her, I believed the things she told me….she told me that my own father didn’t love me….well as a young girl if your own father doesn’t love you…..who could right?

I understand why she said and did the things she did, it was easy. She was pissed. She loved a man who probably never loved her. He hurt her, he cheated on her….their relationship was SICK! Not my problem. I didn’t deserve the hurtful comments, the craziness, the down right lies. It wasn’t my mess.

Today I was tempted, I wanted to unleash. I bit my tongue until it hurt. I was pissed. No, I was so much more then pissed….furious isn’t even strong enough. I told The Baby Girl today that she isn’t the only child her “Sperm Donor” walked away from. I told her the SD has a son who he walked away from. I’m not sure it registered that the son he walked away from is her “brother”. I’m not sure anything registered today because her little heart HURTS.

After a long heart to heart with a doctor today I wanted to run out of his office screaming, I couldn’t. I had to make phone calls, I had to fight with insurance companies, I had to comfort The Baby Girl. When that doctor looked at me and said, “She is 11 years old and has experienced hurt and loss that even an adult would have a hard time understanding, she needs help.” I wanted to hurt someone. I wanted to physically hunt some people down. I had to remember that those sick adults are just that SICK!

I have a headache and a stomach ache, my heart is racing and it reminds me of how I use to feel when I was a little girl and would break out in hives. I use to bite my fingernails until they bled. I wonder when I was a little girl if my maternal unit had tried to get me help, had sit up and prayed for me and surronded me by people who loved me how different would my life be today?

I know today that my Father loves me, he always loved me…..he always will. It was him who I called today when I was scared and feeling overwhelmed. It was him who assured me that “our girl” would be ok because she has ME! He is right.

If I were to write a letter to me today at this very moment I would tell me…….

• Take note of the crap you are dealing with someday it will prepare you to help your little girl when her heart hurts.
• Spend more time on “the farm”, learn what family and love is all about so you can share it with your own family someday.
• When things are screamed and yelled over and over and your gut tells you they aren’t true they probably aren’t.
• Don’t “look” for love, love will find you when the time is right.

I’ll go to bed tonight praying for my little girl and for myself.  I will thank God today and everyday for giving me wisdom to handle this mess with love and kindness, it would be so easy to tell my girl the ugly details….it’s not her mess.  I believe that by taking “The High Road” I will earn her respect and she will know I loved her enough to protect her from the ugliness.