I know what I know and I know February 25, 2005 my life forever changed. My heart is not whole and won’t be. We will never have a “complete” family picture, I will never have “all” my kids together for a special occasion. I know heartache that up until five years ago I would have told you I couldn’t live thru. I know anger that I really believe almost consumed me. I know the true meaning of what it means to put on “big girl panties”. I know that I have faith that saw me thru the heartache, the anger and brought me out on the other side of it all a better person. I wish it ended there, it doesn’t I know what I know BUT I question so much.
The big question use to be WHY ME? Yeap, I went there. Why me, and then one day God spoke to my heart and he said, “Why not you?” Yeap, that’s what I heard, why not me. I told a friend the other day that I know now that God gave him to us because he knew we needed him and we would honor him. You see Baby James taught me more about life in 52 minutes then any other person or experience ever had or ever will. His birth and death healed relationships and also showed us what some people were really about. This year we are honoring him with a donation of baby sheets to the clinic at the hospital where he was born, next year will be something else and every year there after. I promised him and Him.
I had forgotten that today was a little girl’s birthday a little girl that will someday have her own questions, she’ll be celebrating her birthday without her Mommy and her Daddy. They never celebrated a birthday with her, they were killed in a horrible accident. I got a chuckle today thinking about the party her Mommy would have thrown, her Mommy knew how to celebrate….she loved life and you knew it. I question how it’s fair that someone who loved being a mommy isn’t here to see that little girl grow up? I know I’m not suppose to, but I do.
I question why I’m not out buying Tonka Trucks, Fire Trucks, and Big Wheels…..I question why I’m not calling some stupid place like Jump & Play and planning a 5th Birthday Party. I question why 52 minutes. I question why a son, why a brother for Shane….would it have hurt less if he’d been a girl and another sister instead of Shane’s only brother?
I question if I made the right decision not having another child.
I know that I live a different life today than I did prior to February 25, 2005. I don’t take things for granted. I forgive hurts. I try not to hurt. I love deeper. I can accept things and people for what they are good and bad. I know whose on my side and who isn’t. I know who I can lean on and who I need to avoid. I know what a healthy relationship is and I no longer allow myself to be a part of unhealthy relationships. I set boundaries and respect them. I know without a doubt that there are only three people in this world that I couldn’t live without.
Cute aren’t they?
I have one Mr. Wonderful that although I could live without and I never let him forget it….I would never want to live without.
I question a lot but I know what matters…..I’ve made it five years and God willing I’ll make it five more……I’ve done it with great people surronding me, lots of prayers, laughs, tears, and the whole time I’ve known that the road would have been longer and uglier without my faith. I’ve never been alone, God has been right by my side and I know that I know that I know that.