I’m just going to say it, I hate February. I’ve hated it for five years, I’ve tackled it differently each year….the outcome is the same. Another year that Baby James has been gone…did I mention I hate it?
I’ve put on my brave face, my big girl panties, my armor….I’ve said and done all the right things….I’ve smiled when I felt like crying….I’ve gotten out of bed when I felt like sleeping for days. I hate it. It’s not fair. It sucks. I’ve even allowed myself to say why me God?
I don’t want an urn on the dresser, a purple box that holds everything I have of his, I want a loud crazy five year old running around my house tonight finding every excuse in the world not to go to bed….I want to be planning a birthday party not collecting sheets for under priviliged moms.
Don’t get me wrong I know that James’ life is honored and has made a difference and I am proud beyond words that God has showed me so much love. Remember the tattoo?
I see his initials and it reminds me he was here, he was part of us and he always will be.
My garden which brings me so much joy in the summer is covered by snow.
I think about how far I’ve come, I can go to baby showers and enjoy them. I can hold newborn babies and just melt. I can go down the diaper aisle, yeap can you imagine me crying all the way down the diaper aisle….true story. I can be happy that I know two people who share James’ birthday and know that on the 26th I will be delivering gifts to both of them…..along with the challenge to party a little for him.
I still hate February, I still hate that urn, I still hate the purple box but boy do I love that little boy. I believe in my heart he’s proud of me, I’ve kept the promises that I made. I read the letter I wrote him over and over and I’ve done everything that I promised I would do.
February 28, 2005
Dear Baby James-
Do you have any idea how much we miss you? It seems like for months you’ve been a part of every conversation your daddy and I have had-morning sickness, swollen ankles, doctor’s appointments, baby names, who would you look like, who would you act like, but most importantly how happy we were to have this special part of us growing inside me every day. Our conversations are still about you little guy-about how beautiful you were, how much we love you and how lucky we were to have you in this world for 52 minutes. Do you have any idea what those 52 minutes meant to your daddy and I? We held you, kissed you, loved you and shared you with our family and friends.
Remember the long talk I had with you Sunday night and the promises I made? I begged God to let you live for two minutes and in return I made a lot of promises, the biggest being I’d make something good come out of my experience and when I can quit crying long enough to think I’ll figure that one out, but I also promised if you were born alive I’d celebrate that life no matter how long it was and that’s what tonight is all about. I’ll never throw a birthday party for you, but daddy and I will celebrate your birthday every year. I’ll never have Christmas with you, but I promise you some little boy will get a great gift every year in your memory. You will be a part of everything we do for the rest of our lives.
You would think that Daddy and I would be the only two people who loved you and knew you but that is so far from the truth. I had a roomful of people with me for three days at the hospital. You met a lot of them-both of your grandmas got to hold you and rock you-I think Grandma Mary Ann even sang to you, your Aunt Briget looked at you like she was looking at the first baby she had ever seen, Aunt Wendy & The Chief were with us through it all and couldn’t get over how beautiful you were. Emily has written you a special poem, that daddy and I will cherish forever. Aunt Daisy brought us a prayer book that I saw Daddy read more then once. Mrs. Condo came and prayed with us and looked out for Granny, you might have noticed that Granny isn’t as tough as she acts. Gary, Sherri and Pastor Buriff brought me the little bit of peace that I had in three days. Their words of encouragement and prayers got us through those long quiet nights. Pops and Uncle Steve took turns coming to the hospital because they had your little cousins so Granny and Aunt Briget could stay with me the entire time I was in the hospital. Then their was Tess and Karen, our own little angels! Two friends who choose to spend the majority of two days with us not as nurses at Mercy Fairfield, but as friends! Their wisdom as nurses was unbelievable, but their love as mothers made something unbearable-bearable. Plus numerous friends and relative that just came and sit with us and showed their love.
We left the hospital today not empty handed-there was gifts galore, mementos of you, teddy bears, prayer books-we just left empty hearted.
Thank you for sharing your little life with us. Know that mommy and daddy love you with all their heart.
I couldn’t end this letter without telling you Baby James that you had the best Daddy in the whole world and that your mommy loves daddy more then ever because of the time the three of us shared.
Love you little guy,
Your Mommy & Daddy
I’ve often said, “Some people only dream of angels I’ve held one in my arms.”