I was reminded last night how little my family knows me. I haven’t had contact with my younger brother in 10 years, but it doesn’t stop him from bad mouthing me. I let it hurt my feelings for about five minutes last night and then I just turned it over to God. I went out of my way not to ask what he said, and I avoided the subject for the rest of the night. I continue to try to just live my life, build a better foundation for my kids and not let my siblings and my maternal unit have any more control over my life. I can’t change who they are, I can’t change that they love chaos, I can’t change that even without contact with them they still find a way to bad mouth me. I know who I am and I am ok with the person I see in the mirror. I know that my brother’s hatred, bitterness, alcohol and drug abuse have NOTHING to do with me. I am only responsible for myself and I’m doing ok.
I love that my present is ok because I own my past.
I own the person I use to be, the person that I guess my brother is still bad mouthing.
I own that I caused trouble, lied, manipulated; I was just like the rest of them minus the alcohol and drugs.
I spent the morning texting with someone who knows the saga all too well and her words spoke to my heart.
He right now just wants revenge and everyone else to be miserable, he has to learn we all have shit we are dealing with. You either let it eat you up from the inside out or you focus on your happiness.
I choose to focus on my happiness, I pray about the situation everyday and only God knows what the future has in store for all of us. I can live with whatever the outcome is as long as I don’t participate in the chaos.
I wonder sometimes if God puts these situations in my path to let me see how good I really am. I was so pissed last night when “the messenger” let me know my brother was bad mouthing me, but as the night went on God spoke to my heart. The message was clear, having a heavy heart is all about forgiveness. Living a guilt-free life requires you to tap into grace – and to forgive yourself. If you cannot forgive yourself, you’ll struggle to forgive others and vice versa. The problem compounds on itself and sooner or later you’ll find the burden growing heavier and the weight starting to weigh you down.
Jesus said, “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest… learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Bringing it home, have you ever noticed the inspirational figure, maybe it’s a family member, friend, coach, or mentor who seems to reduce your load? They mimic Jesus, and make your life easy; a pleasure. Jesus comes not to hold you to impossible standards, but to free you. Learn from him; be faithful to him and he will do it.
When I started this post today I was actually going to “unleash” about how unfair it is that I continue to be the bad guy, but you know it really doesn’t matter. I guess as long as I’m being talked about someone else is being left alone. I can handle it, I can even laugh about it once I let it sink in. I have to say it hurts my heart a little to think that my brother may leave this earth with his harden heart never being changed, but that’s between him and God. I’m sure he sit in a church pew today with his equally bitter wife praising God and claiming to be a Christian that to me is the scariest part of the whole situation.
I will continue to turn the other cheek, pray and grow in my own faith. I will break the cycle of abuse for my own children, I will strive every day to make sure they love each other and look out for each other. I will be thankful for what I have and try not to look back at what I’ve lost.
Speaking of what I have, I received the nicest surprise in my mailbox yesterday. A thank you card from my ex-husband, it was one of the nicest things anyone has ever sent me. I’m so thankful that him and I have peace and that we can put our kids first and experience life with them. His sweet grandmother was laid to rest two weeks ago and I was there with his family and friends standing side by side with my children who needed both their mom and their dad. I think about the next chapter in our lives, and hope that the next generation will see us acting like adults and not making our kids choose sides. Life as I know it is pretty darn awesome!