I admit I worry too much, especially about The First Born and Mr. Perfect. I call and track them down if I hear about an accident, they expect it. I was happy when my cousin admitted she does the same thing. I guess it’s just a “Mom Thing”. On Wednesday the news came across my phone that there was a fatal accident within a mile of my house, let the panic begin. I made my usual phone calls and sent my usual text messages and there was only one problem, Mr. Perfect was nowhere to be found. In case your wondering how much of a panic I was in, I texted my ex husband to find out if he knew where our son was. After some time passed enough details were released that I was sure it wasn’t Mr. Perfect, minutes after I thanked God for Mr. Perfect’s safety it hit me. There was a mother somewhere out there getting the news that is EVERY mother’s worst fear. I prayed for that woman all night, I prayed for the sixteen year old driver and I prayed for all of the kids at Fairfield High School that would get up for school on Thursday and face something so heartbreaking.
I woke up Thursday morning still praying, still sad. Little did I know that all of those prayers were being sent out for a friend. Yeap, these weren’t strangers I was praying for, I knew the family. I found out at 6:30 a.m. that the driver of the car was my friend Tess’ 16 year old daughter. I was at University Hospital within an hour and coming face to face with total raw emotions. I’ll never forget the look on Tess’ face that morning. I’ve tried to explan the look in her eyes; at first I thought it was sadness, then I thought it was fear and now I’m pretty convinced there is no word for that look. It’s a “Mom Thing”, it’s a feeling only a mom can understand. It’s the feeling that you’ll mow over police men at the crash site, it’s the feeling you’ll fight every doc and nurse at the hospital for the best care, it’s the feeling that no matter how many ortho docs tells you that your daughter will never ride a horse again you won’t give up for her, it’s the feeling that you’ll figure out a way to take a bath in the sink at the hospital because as long as “your little girl” is in that hospital so are you, it’s the feeling that somehow you’ll find the right words to tell your sweet daughter that her first love is dead, the look that day is from deep inside a woman’s core. The look doesn’t have a name, but the emotion does…it’s L-O-V-E.
I can’t get rid of the sadness. I saw Taylor yesterday, that girl is a fighter and so is her mother.
This week more then ever I have been thankful for my three rotten children, I am the luckiest woman in the world.
Typically something like this makes me think about the maternal unit I don’t have and it makes me M-A-D, well it did make me think of the maternal unit that I don’t have and the only emotion I’ve felt is S-A-D! I have thanked God numerous times this week that I have the ability to love my three kids with that love from deep inside my core. I would move heaven and earth for these kids and they know it. Each of them knows there is nothing that could change my love for them. I again this week am reminded that a Mother’s Love comes naturally to most and for those that don’t have that; I feel sad for them and yes that sadness is extended to the woman who gave birth to me.
This time of the year is such a hard time to face sadness, esecially for a mom. I am going to continue to pray, but I just wish I could think of something to do for both families. I feel helpless and I really don’t do well with feeling helpless. I remember so many kind things that people did for me when James died and I’m sure I’ll think of something to do, for today I’ll be taking donuts to the hospital…..