I really don’t know where this post is headed, what I do know is I process feelings thru writing. If you look at how few times I’ve posted this month you’d think I didn’t have a lot of processing to do. Actually it was just the opposite, I’ve had a heavy heart and a mind that wouldn’t turn itself off, but the caregiver in me didn’t want to “hurt” anyone else’s feelings.
I have typed this post and deleted it over and over this month. I don’t want anyone to read this and be hurt by it, I don’t want my husband to think I’m bad mouthing him, I don’t want my kids to know some of what this post will say, I don’t want strangers to know how poorly I’ve handled things in the past, I don’t want to relive the hell, but I need to process. So my suggestion is if you think this post is about you don’t read it.
Betrayal is something that is hard to overcome, but I will keep working at it. I refuse to let anger overcome me. Three years ago this week I was betrayed by my husband, my best friend and my mother. Not an easy thing to understand. Not an easy thing to accept. Not an easy thing to “get over”.
I turned 40 three years ago, I was so looking forward to that year. I felt like I was finally “finding myself”. I was learning about myself in counseling, I was trying to accept situations in my marriage for what they were, I had finally came to terms with the fact that my maternal unit didn’t love me probably never had, I was dealing with the anger I had about the fact that I never had a childhood, I was still mourning the death of my infant son, I was trying to figure out a way to have a relationship with The First Born who at the time was angry at me and had every right to be, I was trying to figure out a happy medium with my step children who were bound and determined to break up my marriage. My plate was full.
I had myself surrounded by people I didn’t like. There were toxic relationships intertwined all over the place and it was sucking the life out of me. My marriage was falling apart and people I thought of as friends were a big part of that. Mr. Wonderful and I would go to counseling get the advice and suggestions from a licensed counselor and then people who I thought of as friends would give Mr. Wonderful the exact opposite advice. I was oblivious to all of this.
I had a wonderful 40th birthday party hosted by my husband and a week later he moved out of our home. Did I mention oblivious?
Between the party and him leaving I had a huge fight with my best friend and saw things for what they really were. The relationship wasn’t healthy, this person I thought I knew better than anyone listened to downright lies from other people and stabbed me in the back. I was trying to protect her and her daughter and somehow I became the “bad guy”. Mr. Wonderful knew I was telling the truth because he had heard all the same stories from her so-called other friends, but he had his own agenda. He knew he was leaving, he knew he had a girlfriend on the side so a double whammy I got. Typing that sentence makes me queasy. Talk about deceit.
I had choices to make, choices I never thought I would have to make AGAIN! I could become bitter and vindictive and believe me I had every right to do so. I was getting letters in the mail, phone calls at my home and work making sure I knew exactly what my husband was up to, I was pretty sure I knew exactly where the calls from coming from.
I continued to go to counseling, where that trained professional continued to tell me I was going to be ok. She gave me coping skills, books to read, CDs to listen to and strength to put one foot in front of the other. I was devastated. It was more than heartbreak, it was affecting the core of who I thought I was. I was tempted to do things that were ugly, I had thoughts of “getting even”, I had thoughts of exposing the whole mess for what it was.
I remember waking up one day and calling my oldest and dearest friend in the world and saying, “Melissa I can’t do this.” She assured me I could, she reminded me of other times in life when I felt that way and she gave me a big I told you so. She told me that she had warned me about these relationships and that she knew I was better than these so-called friends and that no one had the right to interfere in my marriage and that if my husband allowed that to happen he wasn’t worth 10 cents. She told me I would get up out of my bed, clean my house, take my daughter to the park, make plans for Thanksgiving and live my life. She reminded me of that about 100 times in the next three months.
My friend Kelly sent me an email out of the clear blue sky about a situation that needed prayer, it caused me to dump all of the crap that was going on in her lap. It was the best thing I ever did, because each morning for over a month I would wake up log onto my computer and there would be a beautiful prayer from Kelly to God on my behalf. I couldn’t pray I was too hurt and too scared but this beautiful friend prayed for me, I would print those prayers off and say them over and over.
My Daddy would call me at 6 a.m. to make sure I was awake and going to work, he would remind me that no matter what I had a place to call home and that he might be old but he’d still hunt Mr. Wonderful down if I needed him to. Gotta love a Daddy that has your best interest at heart. I had a Spare Mother that was praying night and day for God to just take some of the pain and worry away from me, I could feel those prayers.
My first call that weekend was to my Aunt G, I remember her saying, “Girl you will be ok, you are a survivor.” She listened to me for hours and never judged just prayed and loved me.
I had a call from Hooper from last night and we laughed and giggled about our kids and husbands, boy we weren’t laughing and giggling three years ago. I can’t even begin to explain the strength that I got from Hooper during those three months, some days it was phone calls, other days it was gifts on my porch and there was even a singing card….Hooper called it for what it was…..BULLCRAP! I would start to blame myself and she wouldn’t have it. She would remind me that no one deserved to be treated the way I was being treated. She would remind me that regardless of what these people who were suppose to be my husband, my friends and even my own mother thought of me I was a good person who had been dealt a bad hand. When I would question my decisions regarding my stepchildren she would remind me that I was doing exactly what the counselor thought was the right thing to do. She would not let me give up on who I was and who I was becoming.
I really thought I had turned the corner on all of the hurt and heartache I felt three years ago, but this month has been really hard. Mr. Wonderful and I are in a great place and those three months were the best thing that ever happened to our marriage, a year of marriage counseling with a second counselor taught us both so much about each other and ourselves. If you are having a hard time in your marriage I can tell you from our experience that counseling was the best thing we ever did. I learned in counseling that I’m a control freak, I had a childhood that was pretty much out of control and as an adult I try to control anything and everything. I took care of people as a child because the adults around me were pretty worthless, so as an adult I try to continue to do that. I can tell you that getting the advice from “friends or family” especially if they are giving you each totally opposite advice is TOXIC.
I saw the maternal unit this week, I wish I could tell you it didn’t bother me. It did. I had to pull my car over in a parking lot and get physically sick. I sit in my car and cried, I cried for so many different reasons and so many different hurts. I came to terms with the fact that I’m angry. I’m more angry then I ever knew. I’m angry that she tried to destroy my relationship with The First Born and even at times did destroy it, I’m angry that she tried to destroy my marriage, I’m angry that she ruined friendships for me over and over thru out my life, caused problems at my jobs, put a rift between my dad and I, has successfully kept my siblings and I in turmoil, she is an evil person. Period. There is no other explanation and believe me when I say I have tried to find one. She is evil, she is hurtful to the point of being abusive, she lies, she manipulates….she is evil. A friend helped me with this subject this week and she told me I am only one piece of my maternal unit’s “problems”, she has so much to deal with that I think she doesn’t even know where to begin. Everytime I see someone who has recently seen her they talk about how “disturbing” it is that she obsesses about one of her children and their children, people think the woman is crazy and she doesn’t even realize it. She loves telling people that she is now best friends with my former best friend. That’s a whole nother post…for another day. I will continue to pray about this and ask you to pray for me, it’s not hurt it’s down right anger and I don’t like it.
I’m reminded that I am a good person each time I look at my kids, I am a thousand times the mother that my own maternal unit was. I could never turn my back on my kids or choose one to love while I caused chaos for the others. I wonder if you don’t love your own flesh and blood what is wrong with you?
Forgiveness is so hard, it’s something that you do over and over. I do believe you can forgive and then the hurt can creep back up on you and it’s like starting all over. I will get over this mountain I’m climbing and let go of the anger, after all I’ve had plenty of practice.
I thank God for the things I do have, a marriage that is not only restored but better than anything I’ve ever known. I love Mr. Wonderful and it’s me and him against the world. We no longer let anyone or anything between us, we look out for our relationship and then think of others. I have three of the most amazing kids and each one of them is a gift from God. I love each of them for who they are not who I want them to be, I would give up my life for them without blinking an eye, I would NEVER let one of them deal with a broken heart alone and I definitely wouldn’t play a part in that broken heart. I have an extended family that is what a family is really about and half of them share no DNA with me, my step siblings mean the world to me, my Spare Mom is the best example of what a mother is and always will be and my Daddy is my rock!
I guess the points I want to get across is don’t let other people and their bad behavior define who you are. Don’t let toxic relationships suck the life out of you. Don’t accept unacceptable behavior from people because you happen to be related to them. Do strive everyday to be a better person then you were yesterday and to love YOURSELF!! I look in the mirror and I LOVE who I am!!!
“Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.”