The conversation started as many others do, “Mommy, what will happen when Daddy is better?” These conversations take place further and further apart and for that I’m thankful.
The Baby Girl is crying herself to sleep tonight. We talked, we snuggled, we talked, we watched T.V., we talked and then she said she just wanted to go to bed. I said, “Lizard, I am so sorry you are so sad.” Her sweet reply, “Mommy it’s ok it’s not your fault.” Gosh how I wish that was true. It is my fault. Me and me alone picked that no good man to be her Daddy. Of course I had no crystal ball to show me how hurt this little girl would be. I had no way of knowing that he would wander in and out of her life. I did have indicators that he was not the most mature or honest man. The old saying that love is blind, I understand.
My sweet child at 10 thru the help of a therapist knows more about bi-polar disease and alcoholism then a lot of adults. She knows more about rejection and disappointment then anyone should know. She has been hurt by several adult family members and as a mother I would like to protect her. I would like to hold these adults accountable, but I can’t. I can’t make a grown man be a father if he doesn’t want to be. I can’t make a woman be a grandmother if she isn’t capable. I can’t accept unacceptable behavior so she has an aunt in her life.
I am sitting in my living room crying. My heart hurts, but I have peace knowing that while my 10 year old is crying herself to sleep she is praying and seeking God. My sweet girl has God in her heart and prays for others. I can’t protect her from the ugly dysfunctional family that she was born into, but I can love her enough for a mommy and a daddy. I can make sure she understands that she is lovable, adorable and that these people who have turned their backs on her are just plain SICK. I can explain to her that I know what if feels like not to have the love of your own parent. Most importantly I can pray for my girl, I can pray for her father, her grandmother and her aunt. I can turn the hurt over to my heavenly Father and know that he has it all under control.
LOVE is deeper than any trial or tribulation. It will push you through any problem or pain and make you surpass any obstacle or opposition!
I needed something a little upbeat to end this blog on and I can’t think of anything better then BABY BOY IS HERE. Stop by and show some love! I can’t leave this mom out who I believe is about to get her second miracle. God is awesome.
I ask you to please pray for My Baby Girl, pray that God keeps her heart open to love. If you would like to leave a prayer in the comments I would love to print them off and give them to her. She would love it!! In case you want to pray for her by name, her first name is Alyssa. She will always be “The Baby Girl” to her momma!
Paper Glue Etc. 
My children didn’t have their dads, either, and I, too, cried a lot and often felt an emptiness in my chest. My sons are both in college now, my daughter is 16, and not one of the three of them would trade their lives for another, because all the experiences made them who they are today. So please know your daughter is being made strong by her life and could she have a mother who loves her more?
Your writing is beautiful and so expressive–it’s like being in your living room with you. Keep writing and sharing from your heart. You are making a difference.
Pam Bickell
I’ll be her Aunt! I mean since your hubby and my hubby’s brother were buds decades ago, we’re practically related!
It makes me think of my niece Emily. She has never had her father and now she doesn’t have her mother. It’s amazing to me that you can live within miles of your child and not care enough about more than yourself to even try to connect with them. She is better off without either of them, but I know that she needs the love of both of them, especially being a 13 year old girl. It’s funny that you call Alyssa (sp?) Lizard. We call Elizabeth Lizard.
Love ya.
Alyssa, I just wanted you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t look that way now, I know. Keep your face turned to God, love Him like crazy.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, for I know the plans I have for you declares the LORD; you know this verse, right, well one of the bible study teachers says that in the original Hebrew text for the root word future is the same root word for past, meaning that your past is an important part of your future. Things are not as you would like them to be, as they should be. Believe I know. But God will get you through this time and you will be made stronger because of it.
My grandson was four when he mom left to “get her life back” she has seen him probably 12 times in two years. You and he are not alone, are you. It doesn’t make it any easier but God can use even this when you give to him. Don’t let any root take hold in your heart, it’s not your fault. God is the lifter of your head, let him. Even though you are young I don’t think you are to young to ask God to show you your circumstances outside of yourself. That may be a little mature for you, I don’t know, but it helped me one time when I was going through a very difficult time, to be able to see the situation through God’s eyes. To me is was personal, but it really wasn’t, I didn’t do it, I just walked through it. Once I began to see it in a not my fault sort of way, it made all the difference.
I hope this helps, Mom I trust you’ll use your mommy discretion whether to tell her any of this or not. I know it’s late but I couldn’t sleep and came up to get on my blog. I raised my three kids by myself. They are successful adults, well adjusted, happy people. It’s gonna be okay.
Also, I apologize if I rambled. I’m feeling a little rambling going on here.
My heart hurts for your baby girl. My dad also struggled with bipolar disorder for many years before he took his life last year. I will be praying for that sweet girl!