Perfect!

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Four years ago I was in labor, I was heartbroken, I was terrified, but I wasn’t angry.  I remember laying in that bed in the hospital and knowing that the only thing I had was my faith.  I knew without a doubt that this was God’s will, I didn’t allow myself to ask Him to heal Baby James.  I know now that God helped me make that decision, had I asked Him to heal Baby James and He hadn’t then I might have gotten angry.  I wanted Baby James to be healed and I knew in my heart and head that God knew that was my wish so if He was going to heal Baby James He would do it whether I begged Him to or not. 

He was born in the wee hours of the morning, long before the sun came up.  I remember laying in the bed at the hospital holding his little body and he was getting cold and my heart hurt so bad I wanted to die and then all of a sudden there was the sun rising.  I remember closing my eyes and asking God, “How can you let that sun rise today, how can it be so beautiful?”  At that moment God answered me so clearly that I could almost “hear” Him.  He said, “Michelle that sun is coming up to remind you that I am still with you.”  At that moment I remembered that I was in a hospital on the maternity ward and there were moms all around me introducing babies to their first sunrise.  I wondered if any of those moms felt as close to God as I did that day holding Baby James knowing a funeral director was on his way to take him away from me.  Did I mention I wanted to die, I really did.  I sent Carl to the funeral home later that day and I really thought about just joining James.  But I remembered that sunrise, and I remembered how close I felt to God and I knew that God would help me, but I had to get it together.  I had to meet God halfway.  I had to keep my broken heart open and let God help me to heal.

The above picture is actually a sunset, the picture was taken by Alyssa.  She actually ran in the house this summer and said, “Mom I need your camera, you won’t believe how beautiful the sunset is.”  I thought of Baby James and “the sunrise”, I grabbed the camera and off we went.  Alyssa and I sit on the deck and she took the pictures.  I watched her thinking, “My baby girl is seeing the beauty of a sunset for the first time.”  I sure was glad that a sunrise has given me the opportunity to experience a sunset with my Alyssa.

I’m writing this post on the 27th and I have no idea what the 28th will bring, but I do know the sun will rise and I hope in honor of Baby James it’s the most beautiful sunrise I’ve ever seen.

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About Michelle

I started my blog as a way to connect with other paper crafters and of course it has gone a totally different direction. I've been able to share my experience as a mother, my hurt and disappointments over not having a relationship with my maternal unit, my walk with God and how knowing Him has changed me and continues to help me grow into the person I strive to be......
This entry was posted in faith, family, friends, grief, infant loss, life, marriage and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Perfect!

  1. Betsy FLynn says:

    Michelle,
    going thru I old e-mails. Found this didn’t know how to contact you thru this. Thinking of you today. Maybe I will get on facebook and chat with everyone

  2. ceace says:

    I am praying for you and yours today. I have no words of encouragement that are fitting. But I do have a heart full of prayers being sent up for you.

    CeCe

  3. Alicia says:

    I hope it is too. I am thinking about you.

  4. Sara says:

    I am thinking of you. Many prayers coming your way.

  5. Hope today was a blessed day with sweet reminders that the Lord is always with you and loving you oh so tenderly.

  6. Lori says:

    ‘Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.’1 Thessalonians 5:18

  7. Pingback: Where Do I Find The Time? « Paper Glue Etc.

  8. Pingback: Sweet Baby James-Infant Loss Sucks « Paper Glue Etc.

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