Four years ago I was in labor, I was heartbroken, I was terrified, but I wasn’t angry. I remember laying in that bed in the hospital and knowing that the only thing I had was my faith. I knew without a doubt that this was God’s will, I didn’t allow myself to ask Him to heal Baby James. I know now that God helped me make that decision, had I asked Him to heal Baby James and He hadn’t then I might have gotten angry. I wanted Baby James to be healed and I knew in my heart and head that God knew that was my wish so if He was going to heal Baby James He would do it whether I begged Him to or not.
He was born in the wee hours of the morning, long before the sun came up. I remember laying in the bed at the hospital holding his little body and he was getting cold and my heart hurt so bad I wanted to die and then all of a sudden there was the sun rising. I remember closing my eyes and asking God, “How can you let that sun rise today, how can it be so beautiful?” At that moment God answered me so clearly that I could almost “hear” Him. He said, “Michelle that sun is coming up to remind you that I am still with you.” At that moment I remembered that I was in a hospital on the maternity ward and there were moms all around me introducing babies to their first sunrise. I wondered if any of those moms felt as close to God as I did that day holding Baby James knowing a funeral director was on his way to take him away from me. Did I mention I wanted to die, I really did. I sent Carl to the funeral home later that day and I really thought about just joining James. But I remembered that sunrise, and I remembered how close I felt to God and I knew that God would help me, but I had to get it together. I had to meet God halfway. I had to keep my broken heart open and let God help me to heal.
The above picture is actually a sunset, the picture was taken by Alyssa. She actually ran in the house this summer and said, “Mom I need your camera, you won’t believe how beautiful the sunset is.” I thought of Baby James and “the sunrise”, I grabbed the camera and off we went. Alyssa and I sit on the deck and she took the pictures. I watched her thinking, “My baby girl is seeing the beauty of a sunset for the first time.” I sure was glad that a sunrise has given me the opportunity to experience a sunset with my Alyssa.
I’m writing this post on the 27th and I have no idea what the 28th will bring, but I do know the sun will rise and I hope in honor of Baby James it’s the most beautiful sunrise I’ve ever seen.