Baby!

I have always been a “baby person”, I loved good smelling, soft skinned, cooing, crying, spitting up babies.  I didn’t care if they were mine, a friend’s or a stranger’s I just loved me some babies, until I became unable to have my own babies.  Wow, nothing like speaking the truth.

Before having Baby James, Carl and I had a miscarriage.  It only took those two tries and my age for me to get the message having babies just wasn’t in the picture.  It was also around this time that I felt the whole world was pregnant. 

I avoided baby showers, baby sections at the store, skipped the diaper aisle at Kroger, quit rubbing pregnant bellies.  Don’t get me wrong I did not begrudge anyone a healthy baby, I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t have one. 

I’m not sure when the turning point was but I remember being excited about an upcoming baby shower and making a pre-made scrapbook as a gift.  Making that gift was so much fun, no sadness.  The baby shower was a blast, no sadness. 

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Then I started “baby holding” at church, no sadness.  I knew my heart was healing.

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Yesterday I held a little tiny newborn and not one time did I think back to the hospital and holding Baby James, my heart was overjoyed at the wonder of those little hands and feet.  I loved hearing the stories from a new mom that is just overwhelmed at the love in her heart.  The thinker in me though had to smile at the irony, that my little guy that was only here for 52 minutes taught me so much about appreciating life.

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I look at the above picture and it’s such a reminder of how tiny Baby James was, I see Emily’s hurt on her face and I think about all the things that were suppose to be that just weren’t and I miss my baby boy today as much as I did four years ago, but my heart is healing and it feels good.

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About Michelle

I started my blog as a way to connect with other paper crafters and of course it has gone a totally different direction. I've been able to share my experience as a mother, my hurt and disappointments over not having a relationship with my maternal unit, my walk with God and how knowing Him has changed me and continues to help me grow into the person I strive to be......
This entry was posted in faith, family, grief, infant loss, life and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Baby!

  1. swissknifev says:

    Ma’am! Hats off to you. Your are a mom. Nature loves you. Believe me nature loves you. Luck is yours. God Bless your little baby.

    Your are fine.

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart in this post. I am thankful to hear your heart is healing and those around you with babies, particularly new moms, are so blessed to have you there as an encouragement, help, and lover of their little ones, too.

  3. swissknifev says:

    Ma’am I’m a male. not a mom. I realize how wonderful a woman is when she is a mom. Nothing-nothing- comes between she and her baby, This quality i love in a woman and -RESPECT. You are a GREAT MOM!!

  4. Liz says:

    We lost a little girl through a miscarriage two years before we had Lily and I felt exactly how you did and your right time does heal the pain, you don’t forget but you don’t feel the need to avoid everything ‘baby’. Thanks for giving hope to others who are in the same position we have have been x

  5. swissknifev says:

    A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” ” Because I’m a
    woman,” she told him.

    “I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And
    you never will.”

    Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry
    for no reason?”

    “All women cry for no reason ,” was all his dad could say.

    The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

    Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked,
    “God, why do women cry so easily?”

    God said:

    “When I made the woman she had to be special.

    I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,

    yet gentle enough to give comfort.

    I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection
    that many times comes from her children.

    I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else
    gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue
    without complaining.

    I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all
    circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

    I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and
    fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

    I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife,
    but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him
    unfalteringly.

    And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to
    use whenever it is needed.”

    “You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the
    clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs
    her hair.

    The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the
    doorway to her heart – the place where love resides.”

    Please send this to five beautiful women you know today. You will
    boost another woman’s self-esteem! Send it to every man, so he can
    understand!

    .
    __,_._,___

  6. Kathryn says:

    Michelle, my heart, thoughts, and prayers are with you this week. I am so glad to have seen you yesterday, and hope to see you more! 🙂 You are a wonderful person! 🙂

    Hugs to you! 🙂

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