Mental Illness Sucks

I am sitting in my room tonight, reflecting about the past week and the one thought that keeps coming to my head is, “Mental Illness SUCKS!” 

I have some literature on my desk at work from The Lindner Center, I just went there for work recently.  As I was pulling into the parking lot I was reminded of the biggest fight my brother, sister and I had.  We were on our way to visit a family member in a “hospital” and thinking back on that day our roles were defined clearly.  My brother, selfish, inconsiderate and self-centered 20 years later, still the same guy.  My sister, enabler, excuse maker, denying the truth, and dutiful daughter 20 years later, still the same girl.  Me, wow, fixer, angry, planner, problem solver, big sister 20 years later not a sister (no relationship with either sibling), no longer angry (still sad sometimes like tonight), no longer trying to solve “the family problem” just accepting it day by day, actually after reading this paragraph again I stand corrected.  I am still a big sister.  I am still the big sister that protected both of them from the mental illness that consumed us all, I’m still the big sister that hid the dirty secret even from her closest friends.  I’m still the big sister that loves them both, I’m just not the big sister that is willing to participate in the three ring circus that mental illness brings.

This week has been a mental illness three ring circus without my family.  My sweet Alyssa has been affected by three different situations and all of them involve mental illness.  It began Monday night when Carl came up the hallway half asleep to announce, “Daryl just killed himself.”  I sit on the couch and in my head I said, “Carl is so retarded he just said Daryl killed himself.”  The next hour we spent explaining to Alyssa what suicide is and why it happens.  At least we tried to explain it, I have thought about this subject since I was a small girl and by mistake learned that someone in our family had killed herself.  Not only does mental illness suck so does suicide, anyone that doubts either should have spent a holiday with some of the people in my family tree.  Alyssa misses her father, she cries, she hurts.  In her sweet little voice this week she said it better then I ever could, “It’s not his fault, he can’t help it, he’s sick.”  She took a deep breath, cried a few tears and then said, “But it still hurts.”  Wow.  She knows at nine what it has taken me 40 years to come to terms with.  Then watching T.V. this week we saw a face that Carl and Alyssa recognized from church, and he said he was going to do some awful things, doesn’t sound like he had the ability to carry out the threats but he made them.  He is in jail.  We sit in front of him in church for months.  I feel bad today I never tried to get to know him, I never showed this man God’s love.  I sit in my pew every week never knowing the pain and suffering happening in the pew behind me.  I never whispered to God please help the man behind me and whatever he is struggling with, but I bet I say that prayer to God every Sunday moving forward.  I had to explain to Alyssa today that even Christians fall, people who sit in church every Sunday, accept communion, sing songs, shake hands, listen to their pastor’s sermon they still fall.  I had to explain that we will pray for our brother in Christ, we will love him and we will not judge him.  I wrote him a letter tonight and shared it with Alyssa.  Mental illness sucks.

My sweet Alyssa knows that mental illness causes Daddys to break little girl’s hearts, mental illness causes men to kill themselves and mental illness causes men who know right from wrong and sit in church pews to threaten the unexplainable. 

I know that mental illness causes grown women to cry themselves to sleep because someone they love has a birthday tomorrow and I won’t acknowledge it because it’s safer not to, mental illness can be treated and this world needs to have compassion. 

I know that I have two pastors who preach God’s word and if anyone can love someone and pastor someone regardless of a disease called mental illness it’s my pastors. 

Mental illness sucks!

1 Corinthians 12:24-26“God has so arranged the body, giving the greater honor to the inferior member, that there may be no dissension within the body, but the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together with it.” 



About Michelle

I started my blog as a way to connect with other paper crafters and of course it has gone a totally different direction. I've been able to share my experience as a mother, my hurt and disappointments over not having a relationship with my maternal unit, my walk with God and how knowing Him has changed me and continues to help me grow into the person I strive to be......
This entry was posted in faith, family, random thoughts, religion and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Mental Illness Sucks

  1. Karen says:

    You got that right!!
    What sucks even more is being a parent of a child with mental illness and feeling helpless in your quest to get them the help that they need!

  2. Hoop says:

    Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. I just love that word. Alot of parents do not like their kids to use that word but I allow it. SUCKS!! Mental Illness Sucks!! What sucks even more is a family member with a mental illness who has no intention of ever accepting the fact that they have a mental illness and tries to convince you that you have a mental illness. SUCKS!!!!!!!! I love to read your stuff Michelle. Sometimes I just change the names around and you are me!! Love you.


  3. sooze says:

    Mental illness does suck. That’s all I could think of today. So, I typed into Google and up came your article. Thank you.

    I suffer from depression. I know when I’m crazy, but even after 35 years of dealing with depression, I am still not always so good at getting out of it. I just have to hold on and ride it out. It truly sucks.

    My hope is that my impulse control doesn’t get the best of me. I know in my head it will get better. I’ve been through this countless times. But it feels so crappy, so hopeless. I keep reminding myself that I need to give myself permission and space to be sad, to cry, to get the crazy out in a way that doesn’t hurt me or others. I need to have patience to get to the other side of this dip into darkness. The light is there somewhere, it’s just difficult to find.

    Like you said, mental illness sucks.

  4. Stan says:

    I’m a 28 year old male with debilitating social anxiety, panic and depression. I live alone on SSD.

    It’s basically impossible to make friends and develop relationships. There are devastating stigmas for those those who are unemployed, mentally ill and living off the government. I avoid all interactions with people because eventually they will ask me what I do for a living. I know, based on experience, that once I reveal my situation, all bets for either friendship or a potential relationship are off, guaranteed.

    It would be easier if I lived in a community with other men and women who were in the same boat. Unfortunately, everyone around me has a job and is functional. The last thing they would want to do is befriend a drain on society.

    Sometimes I wish I were a woman because they seem to have the ability to attract friends and lovers regardless of their situation.

    Mental health is luck of the draw and I busted on this hand. I only hope the next 40-50 years goes by extremely fast so my body can come to rest and put an end to this miserable life.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s