Work this week has drained the life out of me, and I don’t see next week being any better. I worked today and it’s amazing how much I get done on a Saturday.
Came home and Lyss and Carl had started Baby James’ garden, I’m surprised that the first feeling I had was anger. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt anger about Baby James. I stood for the longest time and looked at the fountain and asked God, “Why?” I remember the first year Carl bought the fountain I hated it, I would sit in the yard and think, “I don’t want that fountain I want my boy.” I still want my boy, but adore my husband for coming up with James’ fountain and bench all on his own. I’ll share pics later.
Next emotion, sadness. Tomorrow is graduation and I’m not sad because Baby Boy is graduating I’m sad because people I share DNA with can be so hurtful and self centered. Another why I have for God, why couldn’t I have been given a mother capable of love? Why didn’t I see her for the sick person she is before I gave her the opportunity to hurt my kids? Why can’t her house sell and her be removed from Shane’s life? I thought for the longest time that there must be something wrong with me that my own mother didn’t love me, but thousands of dollars spent on therapy, great friends and family have showed me she is one sick puppy, Shane will figure that out someday I’m sure. I think back to that call in December from her and now I know she was calling to gloat that a young man’s life was being turned upside down, she finds other people’s pain and suffering humorous. I have decided that she loves the chaos and turmoil because it truly keeps her from coming to terms with her own ugliness.
Emotion number three anxiety, hopefully this week will bring some peace, but if not I will keep praying and knowing that God has me just where he wants me.