I found out today that a distant cousin passed away, did not know him well. Over the weekend my sister Marsha called to tell me about a horrible accident that happened in our home town over the weekend, and now a 34 year old mother of two little boys has passed away. I saw my mother today for the first time in almost two years, I was on my way to Shane’s and passed her house and she was outside. All of the above, and watching too much news has made me wonder what kind of regrets would I have if tomorrow never came. I am pleasantly surprised that not too many. I do wish things were different with my mom and sister, but they aren’t. My thinking use to be, “I wish I could overlook more, or be more tolerable.” and then maybe those relationships would “work”. Today after more counseling then you could imagine I know that thinking isn’t healthy, accepting unacceptable is no way to have a relationship with anyone. So no regrets there, just sadness every now and then. I know part of my sadness today is because it’s my sister’s birthday, I hope she is celebrating and having a great day! Although divorced twice-no regrets.
I would like to think that if tomorrow never came…
Lena would remember the last two years and how strong our relationship is, she would remember I’m human and I made mistakes but would know without a doubt that I love her with all my heart and always did. She would respect that I work every day to accept people for who they are and not what I think I want them to be.
Shane would know I’m in heaven watching him and he’d feel guilty when he was being ugly..ha. My hope would be that Shane would continue to mature and keep loving life like he does. In my heart I know without a doubt that Shane knows he’s my heart, we have something special and I believe it was Shane’s love and support in the last 18 years that made me realize I was a good person and worthy of someone respecting me.
Alyssa would be okay because that child has more substance and faith then most adults I know. She tells me if anything ever happened to me she would want to live with Papaw because she would want a girl around and Nanny is a girl. Alyssa is a good child with a huge heart and leaving this world before she is grown is my biggest fear.