I did something I rarely do today, I sit in my scrapbook room without a T.V. on, and looked through James’ stuff. I haven’t spent this time with him in a really long time, I guess since Christmas. I’m always amazed at what I see that I didn’t see the last time. Today it was a few things that jumped out at me….one was
I sit and looked at this card and thought…we really never know what the future holds. I’m sure I had gone to a typical appointment and when I left someone handed me this card with my next appointment and my ultrasound date so I wouldn’t forget. Well I haven’t forgotten, I believe 2/25 will always be a day that I wake up with a heavy heart. I remember 2/25/05 so clearly, Carl, Shane, Lyss and I driving to that hospital for the ultrasound teasing about a boy or girl. None of us knew the blow we were about to get. I will never forgot those words, “non compatible with life”. I remember Shane’s face, he was so confused when we walked out of the room and he never made it in to see the ultrasound. I remember getting about half way home and saying to Carl, “We don’t even know if it’s a boy or girl, we just know “it” isn’t going to live.” I hated referring to “it”, I was convinced during the whole pregnancy that he was a girl and had called “it” a her. I went home that night knowing we were going to induce labor the next morning and after everyone went to sleep I indulged in a Mt. Dew, this may shock some of you. There was reasoning to my madness, Mt. Dew was an addiction of mine prior to me being pregnant so I have to say part of it was comfort but the bigger goal was to get that little baby to kick all night because I knew the next day my pregnancy and my baby would be gone…or so I thought. I was induced on 2/26 but God had another plan and Baby James wasn’t born until 2/28. I look at the card above and remember that on March 1st at 5:00 p.m. my best friend Melissa was putting make up on my face and getting me ready for James’ Memorial Service…..I’ve done so much research on grief and infant loss and a few things stick in my mind today. I thank God for my crazy hobby, what would I have done in the middle of the night for the first week if I couldn’t have scrapbooked James’ life? What would I have done without my scrappin’ buddies and all the love they showed me? I still remember the sunrise that morning and thinking, “God how can you let that sun rise and the sky be so beautiful when my heart is broken?” Do you know that three years later when I see a beautiful sunrise my little boy is the first thing I think of, it’s almost like he’s sending me a little gift. I remembered to tell Sherri Happy Anniversary today, her and Gary spent that whole weekend at the hospital with us and it was their anniversary, what a gift that friendship has been from God. I still hear from Tess every now and then, what an angel! I still think of my first nurse on the 25th her name was Angel and I don’t think that was an accident. I’ll never forget her telling me when I verged on hysteria that I could always go home and come back later, I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want to do. Boy was that freeing, I knew I was doing the right thing but here stood this bright woman telling me if I didn’t have the strength I could go home and try again…it was then that I realized this was going to happen, maybe not on 2/25 but it was going to happen. I don’t know why but I never let myself think of a miracle, I knew somewhere deep inside me that this was God’s Plan and I was going to have to get through it….so I DID! My life is a better life because of one little boy named…James Walter Chasteen and I’ll hold him in heaven someday and he’ll tell me, “Good job Mom.” Love ya all!