Betrayal Is Hard To Overcome…but

I really don’t know where this post is headed, what I do know is I process feelings thru writing.  If you look at how few times I’ve posted this month you’d think I didn’t have a lot of processing to do.  Actually it was just the opposite, I’ve had a heavy heart and a mind that wouldn’t turn itself off, but the caregiver in me didn’t want to “hurt” anyone else’s feelings.

I have typed this post and deleted it over and over this month.  I don’t want anyone to read this and be hurt by it, I don’t want my husband to think I’m bad mouthing him, I don’t want my kids to know some of what this post will say, I don’t want strangers to know how poorly I’ve handled things in the past, I don’t want to relive the hell, but I need to process.  So my suggestion is if you think this post is about you don’t read it. 

Betrayal is something that is hard to overcome, but I will keep working at it.  I refuse to let anger overcome me.  Three years ago this week I was betrayed by my husband, my best friend and my mother.  Not an easy thing to understand.  Not an easy thing to accept.  Not an easy thing to “get over”. 

I turned 40 three years ago, I was so looking forward to that year.  I felt like I was finally “finding myself”.  I was learning about myself in counseling, I was trying to accept situations in my marriage for what they were, I had finally came to terms with the fact that my maternal unit didn’t love me probably never had, I was dealing with the anger I had about the fact that I never had a childhood, I was still mourning the death of my infant son, I was trying to figure out a way to have a relationship with The First Born who at the time was angry at me and had every right to be, I was trying to figure out a happy medium with my step children who were bound and determined to break up my marriage.  My plate was full.

I had myself surrounded by people I didn’t like.  There were toxic relationships intertwined all over the place and it was sucking the life out of me.  My marriage was falling apart and people I thought of as friends were a big part of that.  Mr. Wonderful and I would go to counseling get the advice and suggestions from a licensed counselor and then people who I thought of as friends would give Mr. Wonderful the exact opposite advice.  I was oblivious to all of this. 

I had a wonderful 40th birthday party hosted by my husband and a week later he moved out of our home.  Did I mention oblivious?

Between the party and him leaving I had a huge fight with my best friend and saw things for what they really were.  The relationship wasn’t healthy, this person I thought I knew better than anyone listened to downright lies from other people and stabbed me in the back.  I was trying to protect her and her daughter and somehow I became the “bad guy”.  Mr. Wonderful knew I was telling the truth because he had heard all the same stories from her so-called other friends, but he had his own agenda.  He knew he was leaving, he knew he had a girlfriend on the side so a double whammy I got.  Typing that sentence makes me queasy.  Talk about deceit. 

I had choices to make, choices I never thought I would have to make AGAIN!  I could become bitter and vindictive and believe me I had every right to do so.  I was getting letters in the mail, phone calls at my home and work making sure I knew exactly what my husband was up to, I was pretty sure I knew exactly where the calls from coming from. 

I continued to go to counseling, where that trained professional continued to tell me I was going to be ok.  She gave me coping skills, books to read, CDs to listen to and strength to put one foot in front of the other.  I was devastated.  It was more than heartbreak, it was affecting the core of who I thought I was.  I was tempted to do things that were ugly, I had thoughts of “getting even”, I had thoughts of exposing the whole mess for what it was. 

I remember waking up one day and calling my oldest and dearest friend in the world and saying, “Melissa I can’t do this.”  She assured me I could, she reminded me of other times in life when I felt that way and she gave me a big I told you so.  She told me that she had warned me about these relationships and that she knew I was better than these so-called friends and that no one had the right to interfere in my marriage and that if my husband allowed that to happen he wasn’t worth 10 cents.  She told me I would get up out of my bed, clean my house, take my daughter to the park, make plans for Thanksgiving and live my life.  She reminded me of that about 100 times in the next three months.

My friend Kelly sent me an email out of the clear blue sky about a situation that needed prayer, it caused me to dump all of the crap that was going on in her lap.  It was the best thing I ever did, because each morning for over a month I would wake up log onto my computer and there would be a beautiful prayer from Kelly to God on my behalf.  I couldn’t pray I was too hurt and too scared but this beautiful friend prayed for me, I would print those prayers off and say them over and over.

My Daddy would call me at 6 a.m. to make sure I was awake and going to work, he would remind me that no matter what I had a place to call home and that he might be old but he’d still hunt Mr. Wonderful down if I needed him to.  Gotta love a Daddy that has your best interest at heart.  I had a Spare Mother that was praying night and day for God to just take some of the pain and worry away from me, I could feel those prayers.

My first call that weekend was to my Aunt G, I remember her saying, “Girl you will be ok, you are a survivor.”  She listened to me for hours and never judged just prayed and loved me.

I had a call from Hooper from last night and we laughed and giggled about our kids and husbands, boy we weren’t laughing and giggling three years ago.  I can’t even begin to explain the strength that I got from Hooper during those three months, some days it was phone calls, other days it was gifts on my porch and there was even a singing card….Hooper called it for what it was…..BULLCRAP!  I would start to blame myself and she wouldn’t have it.  She would remind me that no one deserved to be treated the way I was being treated.  She would remind me that regardless of what these people who were suppose to be my husband, my friends and even my own mother thought of me I was a good person who had been dealt a bad hand.  When I would question my decisions regarding my stepchildren she would remind me that I was doing exactly what the counselor thought was the right thing to do.  She would not let me give up on who I was and who I was becoming. 

I really thought I had turned the corner on all of the hurt and heartache I felt three years ago, but this month has been really hard.  Mr. Wonderful and I are in a great place and those three months were the best thing that ever happened to our marriage, a year of marriage counseling with a second counselor taught us both so much about each other and ourselves.  If you are having a hard time in your marriage I can tell you from our experience that counseling was the best thing we ever did.  I learned in counseling that I’m a control freak, I had a childhood that was pretty much out of control and as an adult I try to control anything and everything.  I took care of people as a child because the adults around me were pretty worthless, so as an adult I try to continue to do that.  I can tell you that getting the advice from “friends or family” especially if they are giving you each totally opposite advice is TOXIC. 

I saw the maternal unit this week, I wish I could tell you it didn’t bother me.  It did.  I had to pull my car over in a parking lot and get physically sick.  I sit in my car and cried, I cried for so many different reasons and so many different hurts.  I came to terms with the fact that I’m angry.  I’m more angry then I ever knew.  I’m angry that she tried to destroy my relationship with The First Born and even at times did destroy it, I’m angry that she tried to destroy my marriage, I’m angry that she ruined friendships for me over and over thru out my life, caused problems at my jobs, put a rift between my dad and I, has successfully kept my siblings and I in turmoil, she is an evil person.  Period.  There is no other explanation and believe me when I say I have tried to find one.  She is evil, she is hurtful to the point of being abusive, she lies, she manipulates….she is evil.  A friend helped me with this subject this week and she told me I am only one piece of my maternal unit’s “problems”, she has so much to deal with that I think she doesn’t even know where to begin.  Everytime I see someone who has recently seen her they talk about how “disturbing” it is that she obsesses about one of her children and their children, people think the woman is crazy and she doesn’t even realize it.  She loves telling people that she is now best friends with my former best friend.  That’s a whole nother post…for another day.  I will continue to pray about this and ask you to pray for me, it’s not hurt it’s down right anger and I don’t like it.

I’m reminded that I am a good person each time I look at my kids, I am a thousand times the mother that my own maternal unit was.  I could never turn my back on my kids or choose one to love while I caused chaos for the others.  I wonder if you don’t love your own flesh and blood what is wrong with you? 

Forgiveness is so hard, it’s something that you do over and over.  I do believe you can forgive and then the hurt can creep back up on you and it’s like starting all over.  I will get over this mountain I’m climbing and let go of the anger, after all I’ve had plenty of practice. 

I thank God for the things I do have, a marriage that is not only restored but better than anything I’ve ever known.  I love Mr. Wonderful and it’s me and him against the world.  We no longer let anyone or anything between us, we look out for our relationship and then think of others.  I have three of the most amazing kids and each one of them is a gift from God.  I love each of them for who they are not who I want them to be, I would give up my life for them without blinking an eye, I would NEVER let one of them deal with a broken heart alone and I definitely wouldn’t play a part in that broken heart.  I have an extended family that is what a family is really about and half of them share no DNA with me, my step siblings mean the world to me, my Spare Mom is the best example of what a mother is and always will be and my Daddy is my rock!

I guess the points I want to get across is don’t let other people and their bad behavior define who you are.  Don’t let toxic relationships suck the life out of you.  Don’t accept unacceptable behavior from people because you happen to be related to them.  Do strive everyday to be a better person then you were yesterday and to love YOURSELF!!  I look in the mirror and I LOVE who I am!!! 

 ”Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.”

~Luke 6:37~

Praying for “B”

It’s been four days since I refreshed a woman’s blog for hours “living” her birth experience with her, reliving my sweet Baby James’ birth and death.  I wanted her not to forget to give April Rose a bath, I had an epidural and couldn’t get out of bed so I didn’t get to give Baby James his one and only bath.  I was hopeful she would get a great family picture of her, “D” and April Rose, we didn’t accomplish that task with Baby James.

I prayed that “B” was able to look into April Rose’s eyes and see into her soul, my sweet baby James never opened his eyes.  I wanted “B” to get the perfect prints of her little girls hands and feet, I cherish James’. 

I cried myself to sleep Sunday night and I wondered when I woke up Monday would I discover that April Rose was in heaven with Baby James. 

I don’t regret any of the time I spent on praying for “B”, “D” or April Rose, I have continued to pray over and over for this woman who is so broken that she “invented” this huge lie.  It hurts that she sought out women who were hurting and vulnerable to “follow” her blog.  I want to give God the glory though, I clung to him Sunday like I hadn’t in a very long time, I’ve sought his guidance daily even hourly this week.  I hope “B” gets the help she desperately needs and if she ever finds my blog I hope she emails me, I would like to pray with her and encourage her.  My email address is paperglueetc@yahoo.com. 

Remember pregnancy is a gift, a healthy baby is a miracle and pray for “B”.

Here is an interview done by a Chicago paper with “B”.

Prayer

Tonight is one of those nights where I would be better off to close the laptop and not blog.  I will look back on this blog post months from now and regret things I say. 

This week I was hit with the reality that a lot of times when we pray for someone or something, there is someone else praying for the exact opposite.  I guess I’m trying to say that in many situations when prayer is involved there is a winner and a loser.  Is that really true?  In a tragic mess, where people’s hearts are invovled does anyone win?  I have prayed so hard about a situation and it didn’t go the way I wanted it go.  I remember praying for God’s will, but I guess deep down I wanted my will.  Sound familiar to anyone?  I look at this situation and there is so much hurt and I feel helpless.  I came home today tried to think of something to do, should I send a card, was praying enough, should I show up on a doorstop, should I text, should I do nothing.  I had a good cry, yelled at God and ate a donut.  

Somewhere during the crying, yelling and eating I remembered a bible verse that I clung to right after Baby James’ death.  Psalm 34:18  The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  I knew then I didn’t need to do anything, I just needed to pray. 

Do you ever wonder what people do that don’t have faith when they are broken hearted and crushed?  I don’t wonder, I’ve seen it over and over in my own family.  I want to praise God today that even though I don’t like what happened this week, I don’t understand it, it’s God’s will and I have to accept it.  I guess that’s why some people turn away from God, why some people have a deal breaker with God.  Acceptance does not come easy.  How do you accept something that seems so stupid?  You do it with God’s help.  You turn it over to God over and over.  You pray about it over and over.  You believe with all your heart that God has His hand in the situation and He’s working it out exactly the way it’s suppose to be worked out.

Without going into details let me encourage you to love your kids, don’t just love them make sure they know their loved. 

Have a friend that you hurt or disappointed?  Fix it.  Don’t wait for something horrible to happen, do it now.

My Lord, I know you are gracious–in my mind.  Help me to feel it and trust it more and more deeply–in my heart!  Amen.

Pretend Title Is Here

I missed my Friday Beautiful Life post, life got in the way.  Make sure you stop by and see all the great post at The Inspired Room.

It’s amazing how a chance encounter can take a pretty good week and turn it into a pretty bad week.  Mr. Wonderful, The Baby Girl and I went to a plant sale yesterday and ran into someone from our past.  This chance encounter reminded me how different Mr. Wonderful and I really are, I kept walking and he made this person talk to him.  I went ahead and bought my plants without even commenting to him about his “people pleasing ways” and enjoyed my plant sale.  We got in the car and he said, “So and So wasn’t even going to speak to me, but I made her.”  My silence ended right there.  Imagine that.  I told Mr. Wonderful that there comes a time in life when we have to look at situations for what they really are.  I asked him what having small talk with this person had accomplished?  He looked confused.  I went on to tell him that we purposely choose to not have folks like Ms. So and So in our lives so why bother to have small talk with her when you run into her?  I admit, I didn’t even speak.  I spent many years having surface relationships with people that made my skin crawl because we were connected thru other relationships.  I said to Mr. Wonderful half joking, “Let me tell you what kinda of small talk I wanted to have with her.  I wanted to ask her if she was finally taking some medication for her depression, and if she was how much was she drinking while taking that medication?  I thought about asking her if she was stil involved in a relationship with a married man?  I thought about asking her if she finally learned talking about people behind their backs is juvenile?  I really wanted to ask her if she had learned how to act like an adult especially in church?”  Mr. Wonderful looked over and smiled and said, “I’m glad you didn’t have “small talk” with her.

Sitting in church last week I was holding a sweet little baby who was loving my Troll Bracelet, the boy has good taste.  I was watching his chubby little hand grabbing my bracelet and that’s when I had the thought, “God is amazing.”  You see I was holding that chubby cute little baby on Mother’s Day and I realized I was loving every minute of it.  There was a day when I couldn’t hold a baby without tears running down my face, I couldn’t walk down the diaper aisle at the grocery store without wanting to scream and every round pregnant belly made me ask God, “Why not me?”  I say again, “Isn’t God amazing?”

The chance encounter made me feel the same way yesterday, because remember that small talk that I wanted to have?  Well believe it or not a few years ago I would have had at least a part of that conversation.  I would have been U-G-L-Y.  Not today though.  I walked around that plant sale and said a prayer to God, I thanked him for getting me out of those relationships.  I thanked him for surrounding me with people who are loving and not self destructive.  I thanked him for the open communication I have with Mr. Wonderful and the understanding that makes me laugh at Mr. Wonderful’s “people pleasing ways” instead of wanting to change him. 

I have not had a good “people week” and I wonder what I’m suppose to be learning from it.  I don’t understand people and it becomes harder and harder to treat people like I want to be treated, because so few people return the favor.  I wish that people would just stop and think how they would feel before they open their mouth.  I could seriously have my own personal Pity Party on how people have trampled on my feelings this week, but why right?  I only have control over my own actions and my own reactions and looking back on the week I’m pretty darn proud of myself.

I am going to spend some time in my craft room today and try to get out of the funk I am feeling.

Babel

[edit] Narrative

The story is found in Genesis 11:1-9 (King James Version) as follows:

1 And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. 2 And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there. 3 And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for mortar. 4 And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. 5 And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children built. 6 And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do; and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. 7 Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech. 8 So the Lord scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city. 9 Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the Lord did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the Lord scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

It’s Friday and that means A Beautiful Life post, I wasn’t suprised today when I saw she was talking about Mother’s Day.  I was thrilled though when I saw the words “Press On” in the same blog post.  I have been doing just that this week.

I understand that relationships are complicated, I even understand that I complicate relationships.  I know that relationships have highs and lows. 

After two years of counseling both individually and jointly, I know that I am a great person.  I have a huge heart.  I have faith in God.  I am a good friend, a good sister, a great mother, a great wife and a wonderful daughter to my father. 

The one relationship that I should have rock solid faith in I have none.  This week I struggled with this fact more then usual, I guess it’s the Hallmark commercials, the florist billboards, the less then smooth references about gifts and celebrations from The Baby Girl.  All of the above has be struggling with you guessed it…….Mother’s Day.

I have been on a rollercoaster ride about how to handle Mother’s Day.  My head said do nothing, then my heart said, “Pray about it.”  I did over and over.  I prayed, God moved me to do nothing, so I prayed some more.  Still nothing.  The commercials, my sweet child, etc. etc. etc. and I convinced myself I should do something.  Notice I convinced myself.  I kept telling myself, “It was the right thing to do.”

So yesterday I went to Berean bought The Spare Mom a thoughtful gift, drove to the post office and mailed it.

I noticed the park across the street from the post office and I decided to go sit and pray some more, remember I wanted Him to give me the answer I wanted.  Pretty simple, it went something like this…”Hey God I know I’ve been praying about how to handle Mother’s Day, BUT you obviously don’t understand because you have given me no answers, so I’ll handle this on  my own.”  Ever had a conversation like that with God?  So I get out sit in the park and start to write.  The paper was cute as  could be, I had a great pen, the park was beautiful, the sun was shining and have I mentioned I love to write.  The first few sentences were I guess what you would expect-

Dear Mom-

I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day, I wanted you to know I was thinking of you.  I wish things could be different between us, but I guess they are what they are…..

Not bad huh?  I will not share the remainder of that letter or the other two that I tried to write after ripping up the park letter.  I visited not one, not two but three florist trying to find flowers that I could send. 

I had called a friend before starting this craziness and I quote, “You better really pray about this before you do anything.”  I called her back explained my fear, hurt and anger.  That’s when she shared the story of Babel and that’s when I knew God was giving me an answer.  If it was God’s will for me to write a letter and honor my mother on Mother’s Day I would have had the words, they would not have been the angry, hurtful words that came after those first couple sentences above.  I would have felt peace and not the need to smack someone. 

So, I had a good cry.  I put my big girl panties on and decided to enjoy Mother’s Day for myself and to make it special for two other women who really deserve my love and thoughtfulness.

I bought a friend a card and decided to give her a coffee mug I had bought a long time ago, you see she would give anything to celebrate Mother’s Day with her son.  She can’t, he’s in heaven.  I honored her and she called me today and thanked me.  Not complicated at all.

I will take flowers to another woman on Sunday.  She has no biological children, but is a role model to many.  She is a Christian woman who always has a smile on her face.  I will honor her, she will be touched.  Not complicated at all.

I will make sure to text my dear friend Gina who will be celebrating her first Mother’s Day without her mom and invite her over for a glass of wine.

I will not write a letter to my mother, I will not send a card, I will not have flowers delivered, I will not call her.  I will pray for her. 

 

A Text

The text read, “I love you more then you will ever know.”  I received it while driving in my car today and it made me smile. 

Today was a great day for me.  I love my job.  I had no adult children drama.  My Baby Girl got ready for school today with no fights.  I saw an old friend.  The weather was beautiful.  I made a date with Mr. Wonderful for a bike ride on Saturday.  The text was just a bonus.

The text made me think a lot about my marriage, about my heart, about the present.  I texted Mr. Wonderful back and told him I adore him and never get tired of hearing that he loves me. 

None of that seems like a big deal between a husband and wife, unless you know the background.  Mr. Wonderful and I married in 2003.  I had never been so happy in my entire life.  I had that relationship that you look for your entire life.  I had been divorced twice and disappointed more times then I care to think about, and I finally felt like I had it all.

Life threw us a lot of curve balls.  My in-laws didn’t accept our marriage, Carl’s children wanted no part of our marriage, my heart was broken.  It took me a long time to realize that my heart was broken, I’ve always been able to bounce back.  I couldn’t.  I wanted to “fix it”, I wanted to “understand it”, I wanted it to be “ok”.  The more I fought for my marriage the worse I made it.  I was miserable, Mr. Wonderful was miserable, my kids were miserable and my in laws and stepchildren didn’t care. 

We finally seperated.  My heart was shattered.  My Baby Girl was hurt beyond belief.  My older kids were just pissed off.  My in laws and stepchildren were tickled pink. 

Oh yeah add adultery to the issues.

Talk about a fork in the road, boy did I have choices.  I’ve posted about this before and I still say I clung to my faith.  Scripture says that God “heals the broken hearted, binding up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3) and gives to His children “comfort and joy instead of sorrow” (Jeremiah 31:13).  I read those scriptures over and over.  I believed it, I had to believe it.  Our marriage was saved.  We spent 50 weeks in marriage counseling and we learned so much about ourselves. 

Our marriage is awesome, not perfect.  I was thinking today while driving in the car not a lot has changed from when we seperated.  My inlaws still do not respect our marriage, my stepchildren still have nothing to do with our lives, but we changed.  I not only respect, but encourage Mr. Wonderful to have relationships with his mother and children.  I no longer care if they like me or don’t like me, I actually enjoy not having to deal with the drama.  I have faith in our relationship and as our counselor told us our children do not allow us to choose their spouses and they don’t get a vote in our marriage.  Mr. Wonderful sees the situation for what it is, he no longer has thoughts of those “poor kids”.  He loves his mother, but can finally admit she hurts him in her attitude towards our marriage. 

I’m often asked how did I forgive all of it?  I can only say I clung to scripture says that God “heals the broken hearted, binding up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3) and gives to His children “comfort and joy instead of sorrow” (Jeremiah 31:13).  I kept my heart open to Mr. Wonderful even when I knew he didn’t deserve it.  I accepted that Mr. Wonderful could have married Mary Poppins and his mother and children would have hated her, it’s not about me.  I accepted that the situation was a mess.  I overlooked the little things and made myself heard on the big things.  I set boundaries and Mr. Wonderful respected those boundaries.  I compromised and so did Mr. Wonderful. 

I started having these thoughts on Sunday, it was cold, rainy and downright depressing.  We came home from church, my favorite time of the week is when we sit in the same pew every Sunday and Mr. Wonderful has his hand around my shoulder and he whispers, “I love you.”  Mr. Wonderful offered to make chili, I challenged him to a game of Monopoly and a rainy gloomy day became a great day.

While I was typing this text my youngest stepchild called Mr. Wonderful and I thought, wait a minute I didn’t tell the whole truth in this post.  The Youngest stepchild is part of our marriage and I should give him credit for that.  For a matter of fact I guess he needs a blog name, summer is almost here and he’ll be here hanging out with us.  I’ll think of a name, that will make him laugh.  He’s a great kid.  I often say he’s Switzerland, he just stays neutral.  He flies under the radar and just rolls with the punches. 

For the record I’ve never beat Mr. Wonderful at Monopoly. 

 

Making Friends Monday

I  knew instantly what I wanted to post when I stopped by All That Is Good and read the topic for today,

What is the Best Advice someone has ever given you?

My grandmother was a wise woman, she lived her life for her family.  I had called her and I was mad at someone and all she wanted was for me to “forgive and forget” this was a pretty typical conversation between the two of us.  I loved her like no other and this conversation was different because we knew she was dying.  She said, “Shelle remember you can’t unring a bell.”  I have thought about that simple saying so many times when I was ready to just go off.  Isn’t that so true, you can’t unring a bell.

Are You Celebrating The Cross?

I colored Easter Eggs tonight, and the Easter Baskets are assembled, our Sunday best is laid out and ready, Mr. Wonderful went to Honey Baked Ham and bought a $50 ham today, and none of that matters. 

I sit on my couch tonight knowing without a doubt that if I don’t wake up tomorrow I’ll be in Heaven.  Me, the girl that has lived a life of sin, made some awful choices, “played” church, backslid more times then I care to count, and will sin again will be in heaven.  Isn’t that awesome?  I wouldn’t trade the relationship I have with God today for anything, it was a long road and it was filled with lots of heartache and grief but He and He alone brought me thru it.  I know I am who I am today because all of those years ago He allowed Himself to be hung on a cross and He died for me, how awesome is that?  He died for you and me, so we could live.

It doesn’t matter how many people fail me, hurt me, leave me, lie to me, break my heart; He will always be there to pick me up.  It doesn’t matter how many times I fail Him and come short of being the Christian I strive to be, He still loves me. 

Don’t let the eggs, the baskets, the bunnies and the hams get in the way of what tomorrow is really all about, it’s about Him!  Celebrate The Cross!

Praise God!

My Own Church Service

I missed church today so I decided to “feed myself”, I asked Carl what the sermon was about.  He said, “Why?”.  I will have to get a recording.  In the meantime I created my own “sermon”. 

I watched Joyce Meyer.

Found Beth Moore’s Blog.

The Baby Girl and I went to Jungle Jim’s tonight to get a treat for birthday celebration tomorrow at school.  She will be 10, how did that happen?  I can not describe the joy in my heart when from the back seat she said, “Mom put the radio on that Christian Rock station.”  I love that when Mr. Wonderful was sick last week she insisted her and I still needed to go to church and then today she insisted the two of them go even though I was sick. 

I think about Easter being a week away and I’m so thankful to be a Christian.  I really am amazed at what God has done in my life and my heart.  I know He walks beside me everyday, He forgives me everyday.  I’m a sinner and He died for me, He died willingly for me so I could have life.  Who couldn’t be amazed by that?

I cry everytime I hear the song “I Can Only Imagine”.  I know I’m going to Heaven, but I have no idea what it will be like.  I imagine it differently each time I let myself think about it.  I use to be such a “wishy washy Christian”, I would go to church then life would get in the way.  I would backslide and then the next disaster would happen and I would run back to church.  All of that changed on February 25, 2005.  I read a young mom’s blog today and my heart ached for her.  I stand firm in my faith today that God is with us no matter how many times we question Him, no matter how angry we may feel at Him, He knows we are sinners, He knew we were sinners when He hung on that cross, He forgives us. 

I struggle with forgiving, I pray about it daily.  I try to teach my kids to forgive the little and the big hurts that life deals them.  Today The Baby Girl has talked about her Deadbeat Father several times, I’ve listened.  I had to pray a lot today because as a momma I want to take that hurt away, but I can’t.  As a mother I feel responsible for that hurt, I choose that deadbeat to be her father.  However, I also choose to take her to church each week and because of that she knows she has a heavenly Father who loves her and is always there.  I just know The Baby Girl is going to influence other little girls with hearts that are broken because of absentee fathers.  I know God is going to get the glory because at ten The Baby Girl has a strong relationship with God. 

Mark 11:25 And whenever you make a prayer, let there be forgiveness in your hearts, if you have anything against anyone; so that you may have forgiveness for your sins from your Father who is in heaven.

I try to live with forgiveness in my heart, I struggle with it.  I have lots of journal entries about how do you forgive someone who has wronged you and never asked for forgiveness.  I don’t have an answer, I just do it.  I don’t always allow that person to have the opportunity to hurt me again, but I forgive them.  I am proud of that.  I couldn’t do it without God.

Motherhood

A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. — Washington Irving (1783-1859)

I keep the above quote in a journal, it’s a reminder to me.  It reminds me of who I strive to be as a mother and what I don’t have as a daughter. 

I spent the day with The First Born this weekend, and we had so much fun.  We went to see a play, and I was reminded of how few ”special days” I ever had with my own mother.  She’s alive and well, lives a couple of miles away, hasn’t seen my girls in a couple of years. 

 

I woke up at 3 a.m. today and checked MckMama’s Blog, I wanted to know that this Momma had found some peace.  Things are looking up!

When I stopped at Panera today for a meeting, I logged on to my blog while I waited and I read a post from Adrienne about her thoughts on adoption.  I checked on Brittany and I love seeing how her family is supporting her and taking care of her little one while she is away from home. 

Then I went and picked up The Baby Girl from a friend and this blog post really started roaring thru my head.  I looked into the sweet face of a little girl that is here on this earth without her Momma or her Daddy for that matter.  They were both killed in a tragic accident.  It makes my heart hurt, it makes me question things you aren’t suppose to question.  It makes me pissed off.  I was overwhelmed by emotion just looking into her little face, I didn’t hold her because I knew I was going to cry, I cried when I got in my car.  I know bad things happen to good people, I’ve even read the book.  I know this sweet little girl is so very loved and she is going to have a great life, but W-H-Y?  I could see so much of her Momma in her sweet little face, it reminded me how hard I try not to be like my own mother. 

I know I will never quit loving my kids, ever.  I know that I will always support them when they need support.  I know I will bend over backwards to love and appreciate the spouses they choose.  I know I will take pride in their accomplishments and have heartache with their failures.  I know that being a grandmother will be the biggest honor of my life.  I know I’ll never think of one of my children as disposable, what a concept.

I will continue to give Mr. Perfect space, I’ll not expect the impossible from him and all of his cuteness.  I’ll try not to pout when he goes a week without stopping by to see his Momma.  I will enjoy every minute of seeing him “in love” and being kind and supportive to his girlfriend.  I will remind him on a regular basis that he is my heart and I will never quit being his Momma.

I will always be amazed by this girl, my “First Born”.  I can’t imagine loving anyone as much as I loved this girl from the moment I laid eyes on her.  I will continue to try to understand her, tattoos and all.  I will continue to pray for her to find a loving partner.  I will continue to hope for her to have some healing in her heart about the hurt that has been caused by her grandparents.  I will know in my heart of hearts that if I left this world today she would keep a relationship with her sister and brother, she is a big sister and nothing will change that. 

I will never forget what Baby James taught me in 52 minutes, I’ll never forget the piece of my heart he took with him when he left this earth.

So today when I looked into that sweet little face I was reminded that we may not always understand what happens, but life is all about what we do with what we are given.  So in spite of the fact that I really got screwed in “the mother department” I think I turned out to be a pretty darn good Momma myself.  I’m also pretty sure God puts little angels of all kinds in our path to remind us of what really matters here on earth.