Betrayal Is Hard To Overcome…but

I really don’t know where this post is headed, what I do know is I process feelings thru writing.  If you look at how few times I’ve posted this month you’d think I didn’t have a lot of processing to do.  Actually it was just the opposite, I’ve had a heavy heart and a mind that wouldn’t turn itself off, but the caregiver in me didn’t want to “hurt” anyone else’s feelings.

I have typed this post and deleted it over and over this month.  I don’t want anyone to read this and be hurt by it, I don’t want my husband to think I’m bad mouthing him, I don’t want my kids to know some of what this post will say, I don’t want strangers to know how poorly I’ve handled things in the past, I don’t want to relive the hell, but I need to process.  So my suggestion is if you think this post is about you don’t read it. 

Betrayal is something that is hard to overcome, but I will keep working at it.  I refuse to let anger overcome me.  Three years ago this week I was betrayed by my husband, my best friend and my mother.  Not an easy thing to understand.  Not an easy thing to accept.  Not an easy thing to “get over”. 

I turned 40 three years ago, I was so looking forward to that year.  I felt like I was finally “finding myself”.  I was learning about myself in counseling, I was trying to accept situations in my marriage for what they were, I had finally came to terms with the fact that my maternal unit didn’t love me probably never had, I was dealing with the anger I had about the fact that I never had a childhood, I was still mourning the death of my infant son, I was trying to figure out a way to have a relationship with The First Born who at the time was angry at me and had every right to be, I was trying to figure out a happy medium with my step children who were bound and determined to break up my marriage.  My plate was full.

I had myself surrounded by people I didn’t like.  There were toxic relationships intertwined all over the place and it was sucking the life out of me.  My marriage was falling apart and people I thought of as friends were a big part of that.  Mr. Wonderful and I would go to counseling get the advice and suggestions from a licensed counselor and then people who I thought of as friends would give Mr. Wonderful the exact opposite advice.  I was oblivious to all of this. 

I had a wonderful 40th birthday party hosted by my husband and a week later he moved out of our home.  Did I mention oblivious?

Between the party and him leaving I had a huge fight with my best friend and saw things for what they really were.  The relationship wasn’t healthy, this person I thought I knew better than anyone listened to downright lies from other people and stabbed me in the back.  I was trying to protect her and her daughter and somehow I became the “bad guy”.  Mr. Wonderful knew I was telling the truth because he had heard all the same stories from her so-called other friends, but he had his own agenda.  He knew he was leaving, he knew he had a girlfriend on the side so a double whammy I got.  Typing that sentence makes me queasy.  Talk about deceit. 

I had choices to make, choices I never thought I would have to make AGAIN!  I could become bitter and vindictive and believe me I had every right to do so.  I was getting letters in the mail, phone calls at my home and work making sure I knew exactly what my husband was up to, I was pretty sure I knew exactly where the calls from coming from. 

I continued to go to counseling, where that trained professional continued to tell me I was going to be ok.  She gave me coping skills, books to read, CDs to listen to and strength to put one foot in front of the other.  I was devastated.  It was more than heartbreak, it was affecting the core of who I thought I was.  I was tempted to do things that were ugly, I had thoughts of “getting even”, I had thoughts of exposing the whole mess for what it was. 

I remember waking up one day and calling my oldest and dearest friend in the world and saying, “Melissa I can’t do this.”  She assured me I could, she reminded me of other times in life when I felt that way and she gave me a big I told you so.  She told me that she had warned me about these relationships and that she knew I was better than these so-called friends and that no one had the right to interfere in my marriage and that if my husband allowed that to happen he wasn’t worth 10 cents.  She told me I would get up out of my bed, clean my house, take my daughter to the park, make plans for Thanksgiving and live my life.  She reminded me of that about 100 times in the next three months.

My friend Kelly sent me an email out of the clear blue sky about a situation that needed prayer, it caused me to dump all of the crap that was going on in her lap.  It was the best thing I ever did, because each morning for over a month I would wake up log onto my computer and there would be a beautiful prayer from Kelly to God on my behalf.  I couldn’t pray I was too hurt and too scared but this beautiful friend prayed for me, I would print those prayers off and say them over and over.

My Daddy would call me at 6 a.m. to make sure I was awake and going to work, he would remind me that no matter what I had a place to call home and that he might be old but he’d still hunt Mr. Wonderful down if I needed him to.  Gotta love a Daddy that has your best interest at heart.  I had a Spare Mother that was praying night and day for God to just take some of the pain and worry away from me, I could feel those prayers.

My first call that weekend was to my Aunt G, I remember her saying, “Girl you will be ok, you are a survivor.”  She listened to me for hours and never judged just prayed and loved me.

I had a call from Hooper from last night and we laughed and giggled about our kids and husbands, boy we weren’t laughing and giggling three years ago.  I can’t even begin to explain the strength that I got from Hooper during those three months, some days it was phone calls, other days it was gifts on my porch and there was even a singing card….Hooper called it for what it was…..BULLCRAP!  I would start to blame myself and she wouldn’t have it.  She would remind me that no one deserved to be treated the way I was being treated.  She would remind me that regardless of what these people who were suppose to be my husband, my friends and even my own mother thought of me I was a good person who had been dealt a bad hand.  When I would question my decisions regarding my stepchildren she would remind me that I was doing exactly what the counselor thought was the right thing to do.  She would not let me give up on who I was and who I was becoming. 

I really thought I had turned the corner on all of the hurt and heartache I felt three years ago, but this month has been really hard.  Mr. Wonderful and I are in a great place and those three months were the best thing that ever happened to our marriage, a year of marriage counseling with a second counselor taught us both so much about each other and ourselves.  If you are having a hard time in your marriage I can tell you from our experience that counseling was the best thing we ever did.  I learned in counseling that I’m a control freak, I had a childhood that was pretty much out of control and as an adult I try to control anything and everything.  I took care of people as a child because the adults around me were pretty worthless, so as an adult I try to continue to do that.  I can tell you that getting the advice from “friends or family” especially if they are giving you each totally opposite advice is TOXIC. 

I saw the maternal unit this week, I wish I could tell you it didn’t bother me.  It did.  I had to pull my car over in a parking lot and get physically sick.  I sit in my car and cried, I cried for so many different reasons and so many different hurts.  I came to terms with the fact that I’m angry.  I’m more angry then I ever knew.  I’m angry that she tried to destroy my relationship with The First Born and even at times did destroy it, I’m angry that she tried to destroy my marriage, I’m angry that she ruined friendships for me over and over thru out my life, caused problems at my jobs, put a rift between my dad and I, has successfully kept my siblings and I in turmoil, she is an evil person.  Period.  There is no other explanation and believe me when I say I have tried to find one.  She is evil, she is hurtful to the point of being abusive, she lies, she manipulates….she is evil.  A friend helped me with this subject this week and she told me I am only one piece of my maternal unit’s “problems”, she has so much to deal with that I think she doesn’t even know where to begin.  Everytime I see someone who has recently seen her they talk about how “disturbing” it is that she obsesses about one of her children and their children, people think the woman is crazy and she doesn’t even realize it.  She loves telling people that she is now best friends with my former best friend.  That’s a whole nother post…for another day.  I will continue to pray about this and ask you to pray for me, it’s not hurt it’s down right anger and I don’t like it.

I’m reminded that I am a good person each time I look at my kids, I am a thousand times the mother that my own maternal unit was.  I could never turn my back on my kids or choose one to love while I caused chaos for the others.  I wonder if you don’t love your own flesh and blood what is wrong with you? 

Forgiveness is so hard, it’s something that you do over and over.  I do believe you can forgive and then the hurt can creep back up on you and it’s like starting all over.  I will get over this mountain I’m climbing and let go of the anger, after all I’ve had plenty of practice. 

I thank God for the things I do have, a marriage that is not only restored but better than anything I’ve ever known.  I love Mr. Wonderful and it’s me and him against the world.  We no longer let anyone or anything between us, we look out for our relationship and then think of others.  I have three of the most amazing kids and each one of them is a gift from God.  I love each of them for who they are not who I want them to be, I would give up my life for them without blinking an eye, I would NEVER let one of them deal with a broken heart alone and I definitely wouldn’t play a part in that broken heart.  I have an extended family that is what a family is really about and half of them share no DNA with me, my step siblings mean the world to me, my Spare Mom is the best example of what a mother is and always will be and my Daddy is my rock!

I guess the points I want to get across is don’t let other people and their bad behavior define who you are.  Don’t let toxic relationships suck the life out of you.  Don’t accept unacceptable behavior from people because you happen to be related to them.  Do strive everyday to be a better person then you were yesterday and to love YOURSELF!!  I look in the mirror and I LOVE who I am!!! 

 ”Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.”

~Luke 6:37~

MIA

I just realized I have been a horrible blogger, I have not been blogging. 

I put a quote on my Face Book today that sums up how I’ve been feeling.

I’ve developed a new philosophy… I only dread one day at a time.  ~Charlie Brown (Charles Schulz)

Work has not been going as well as I would like, I am determined to change that this week.  I think that might have something to do with the awesome weekend and birthday celebration I had.

My husband made sure I had a perfect, fun, family filled birthday. 

If you’ve ever wondered what 156 pounds of pumkins look like now you know.

I look at the faces around this table and all in life is GREAT!  Left to right we have The First Born her boyfriend Scot with one T, The Baby Girl, Mr. Perfect’s Girlfriend and Mr. Perfect himself.  Fun was had by all.  I can’t wait for Thanksgiving!!!

Can you see the concentration that was going on at this table?

Do you see who is missing from our haunted hayride?  The First Born said absolutely NO. 

I had the best birthday, I would be lying if I didn’t say there were a few disappointments but that is for another post.  This post is all about the full heart I have because of the awesome people that gave 110% to make sure I had a great day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Can’t Resist

Well I’m a day late hopefully not anything short for my two favorite blog parties.  I sometimes pick one or the other, but today for many reasons I think I can do both.  You see I’m working on A Beautiful Life daily and that daily work sometimes gets me hooked on this or that so check out what everyone’s Hooked On.

This week I had a lot to ponder….I shared a post this week about reflecting on Baby James, I had a lunch date with The First Born and some really good thoughts, Mr. Perfect changing colleges and not understanding why I would have liked to have been part of the decision, The Baby Girl and deep thoughts, a challenging week at work, a wonderful man that I love having by my side hence the name Mr. Wonderful.

I’m 42 years old I have many goals I am working on, I have a few that will take money and time so those I attempt inch by inch.  Speaking of inches my most recent goal has me “Hooked on Weight Watchers“. 

The Baby Girl and I weighed in on Monday….drum roll please….Baby Girl 4 pounds, Momma 5.6 pounds.  I would love it if you could leave encouragement for The Baby Girl we are working on a weight loss journal and it’d be great to include your thoughts.  Found a great website this week Hungry Girl.  I found a couple of good recipes and wrote about them this week here.  

Last night driving home from a friend’s house, The Baby Girl needed to talk about her “paternal unit”.  I assume this need came from seeing a dad in action with his kids.  The normalcy of a man parenting his boys, it hurt my girls heart.  We talked, she remembers much, I’m thankful.  Our conversation ends as all of these conversations do, me assuring her just how lovable she is.  Her asking if her “paternal unit” gets “better” will he call her.  I had to nod my head so she didn’t know I was crying. 

I think about a 10 year old girl who has body image issues from weight and a “paternal unit” that is absent from her life.  I can’t let my thoughts linger too much on what she doesn’t have, it makes me angry.  I keep my focus and her focus on what she does have.  She has a mom and a daddy (you see DNA has nothing to do with parenting) that over protect, shelter, spoil and love, but she wants her “paternal unit” to be a parent.  I can’t make that happen.  I can encourage her in school, sit through dance class every week, share my love of papercrafts with her, make sure she learns about her Heavenly Father, teach her to be the friend that she wants others to be to her.  I can bite my toungue until it hurts when she paints the “paternal unit” into something he’s not.  She will NEVER hear me say a bad word about him, she will always know I support her having a relationship with him.  I will not be made out to be the bad guy someday in the future.  I won’t do to her what is done to my stepchildren everyday of their lives.

I found first day of school pictures from last year and realized how much The Baby Girl has matured over a years time.  I was shocked, and yes I had a little cry.  The picture below is 4th grade.

I don’t know if it’s the hair or the attitude but she has really matured.

I don’t have any pictures from my lunch date with The First Born this week, I was on my best behavior and whipping out the camera might have ended the lunch real quick.  I did have lunch with her and met a friend of hers.  I know on occassion they read my blog so I’ll not share anything other then I think they both have great taste!  I’ll surely get in trouble for sharing even this little bit.  The First Born has some pretty strict boundaries.  Have I mentioned lately how bright, creative, and beautiful she is?  In a couple of weeks I’ll be worrying about her like she is five, she is going on vacation.

I found a blog today that makes me really question am I doing enough to make a difference in this crazy world we live in.  I read the words of this 20ish young lady and I’m like wait how do you have that passion at such a young age?  Read her blog, pray for her, spread the word about her work or maybe you’ll be lead to do what I did send her a check.  I’m really in awe.

Ok, speaking of a Beautiful Life I have to go fight encourage The Baby Girl to clean her room.

Life As I Know It

Whew, it’s Friday and I am thrilled.  I’ve had a pretty uneventful week, but last weekend was so much fun.  I went “home”.  I wonder what folks do who don’t have their very own “Happy Place”?  My “Happy Place” is 200 miles from my front door, but I was reminded last weekend it could actually be another planet.  I thought this would be a great place to share A Beautiful Life post.

I got to see my family.  I went to my grandmother’s farm.  I shopped at The Amish.  I visited with my sister.  I swam with another sister.  I got stood up by another sister.  I had breakfast with my aunts.  I got to see my cousin. 

I told my much older cousin (love ya Kathryn) that I’m never going back to my grandmother’s farm, I’m sure she was in heaven laughing as I drove away crying like a baby.  I miss her.  I finally realized though that I have a “Happy Place” because of her.  It was her love and commitment to each of us that created the family I love so much.  I hope I am half the mother that she was. 

I was sad for a few days after I came home, I feel like I miss out on so much.  I feel like The Baby Girl needs to have family closer and more available. 

The Baby Girl's Great Aunt or her "Grand Aunt" as she calls her!

The Baby Girl on the farm with her Great Uncle and Papaw picking green beans.

I can not count the times I was freaked out looking for eggs in this chicken house, or how many times my little brother locked me in it.

Isn't it beautiful!

Nieces and Nephews!

Silliness!

My beautiful sister! Who thinks The First Born looks like her?

My absolute dream home.

Here kitty kitty!

I was sad for days, even tried to get Mr. Wonderful to agree to move closer.  I am ok now.  I know it’s my home, it’ll always be my “Happy Place”, my family is there and they always will be. 

I wish things were different.  I wish I had a brother that I could pick up the phone and call, it’s just not possible.  I wish I was closer, it’s just not possible.

Personal Growth

I am participating in the Hooked on Houses Blog Party this week.  What are you hooked on?  I’m hooked on some personal growth, I’m possibly even being a little selfish.  I want to be a better person.  I love God, Mr. Wonderful and my adorable kids….I want to love ME!

I have spent the past few days looking at me and the part I play in situations I’m not happy about.  I’ve spent time studying the bible, reading some great books, listening to good music and not depending on anyone else to make me happy. 

I’m going to see my family this weekend and I can’t wait.  I’m going to eat good food, take tons of pictures, talk and talk.  I love those people!

I went out on a limb this week and got hurt.  I survived! 

I’ve set some goals.

• Get back to eating healthy.  I felt so good when I was being faithful to a weight loss program.
• Find a bible study.
• Do something creative each week.
• Start Christmas shopping.
• Spend an hour a day back on my organization mission.
• Each week encourage someone who needs a pick me up. 

I know that I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else is responsible for my good or bad days.

This and That

Is it July or October?  I can not believe the lousy weather we have had this weekend.  I’m sure some folks in Cincy disagree since fall like weather might make some people happy.  Not this person.  I wanted to have a weekend that consisted of swimming.

It wasn’t to be.  Instead I organized a little, not as much as I should have.  I cleaned out every purse that had a little of this and a little of that left in them.  I found $22, 6 tubes of lipstick and an old bottle of migraine medicine that came in handy last night.  I did not find my wedding band that I have misplaced.

Mr. Wonderful and I started cleaning out our junk room, I want to make a T.V. room for The Baby Girl.  It will be a multiple day project becaues I am overwhelmed.  We took out five boxes for our upcoming garage sale and 6 bags of trash.  Did I say overwhelmed?

I started a new book, Stone Cold it is written by David Baldacci.  I read another of his books last week, The First Family which I loved.  His books are a far cry from Karen Kingsbury, but isn’t that the beauty of reading.  Each book is a different adventure.

I am already thinking about two baby shower gifts that I need for the fall, I should be thinking about the wedding shower that I’m hosting this month. 

I’m going to make some cards tonight.  I’ve said that for two nights, maybe tonight I really will do it.  Anyone want information about Stampin Up, email me at paperglueetc@yahoo.com.  We have an awesome special right now for anyone wanting to become a demonstrator.

We did NOTHING to celebrate the 4th of July, I haven’t left the house since I came home from work on Friday.  I didn’t even go to church today, I should have.

I thought about Ryan Widmer a lot this weekend, I guess it was all the talk about freedom.  I don’t know Ryan personally but have to say it’s one of the few high profile cases that Mr. Wonderful and I both agree on.  I think an innocent man  is sitting in prison and it bothers me.  I emailed his mom to let her know I was praying for him and always for her.

I said I wasn’t going to post about MJ, but this post has gotten so random how can I not.  I have to ask what did we watch on T.V. before MJ died?  I’m not one of those people that think you can’t talk bad about the dead, I believe if someone was a bad person when they were alive they are fair game when they are dead.  However, I don’t believe we will ever know what MJ did or didn’t do.  He was wounded.  I told someone this week I know how much it hurts not to be loved by your own flesh and blood.  I know what it feels like to try to be a better parent to your children then your parents were to you.  By all accounts he was a wonderful parent and for that I respect him and my heart breaks for his children.

Hello

***Let’s see how do I introduce my blog. I guess I’ll start with what I write about. Hang around here long enough and you’ll hear it all, but somethings you may hear over and over like my trials and tribulations of organizing.

I love talking about how I took the above cabinet from it’s boring to fab.

I have an addiction and I need a 12 step program. I’m addicted to paper and ink. The magic happens here. Wow I need new pictures, I’ll work on that this weekend.

You may find a rant and rave about tattoos.

And then you may see me eat my words.

I often talk about infant loss, yeap I’m a member of “That Club”. You can read a little here about the day I found out that a part of my heart would forever be missing.

I talk about my kids so much that I had to give them nicknames, they had issues with people googling their name and ready all “the stupid things I tell about them”-yeap that’s a quote I won’t tell you from which adorable child. The First Born gives me the tattoo ideas, Mr. Perfect is the reason I write about faith, I need lots of it right now with him and The Baby Girl is my entertainment-with her their is never a dull moment.

I often talk about Mr. Wonderful, anytime that I show some great project and take the credit for it…I lie. Mr. Wonderful does all the hard work around here. He can fix anything and enjoys it.

My all time favorite picture, it says a lot about our everyday life. The Baby Girl is always ready to party and we are old and tired.

I love to do interviews on my blog. If you are interested leave me a comment or email me paperglueetc@yahoo.com. It’s as close as I will come to being a reporter.

I love a good Blog Party (check out my Blog Party list and let me know if you want me to add one), I try not to miss A Beautiful Life every Friday.  I will be starting a blog carnival on 7-11 and it needs a name. I would guess there would be a prize involved if someone helped me come up with a great name.

Please stop back by we’ll chat about scrapbooking and card making, thrift store shopping, holidays, parenting, current events, and anything else that jumps in my path.

***

Click here to enter your link in the blog hop and view the entire list of entered links…

I’m having Linky issues, I’m challenged so I’ve emailed Brent will fix ASAP!

I See Bottle Rockets She Sees Fireworks

Tonight The Baby Girl wanted to have a night swim, her bathing suit was in the washer.  I wish I had my camera handy to capture her face when I told her to swim in her bra and panties.  She had that look that says, “My mom is a nut job.”  The entire reason we went outside was because she said she saw fireworks and they were beautiful.  A few minutes into our night time swim and I saw some pitiful bottle rocks and The Baby Girl said, “See Mommy aren’t they great.”  Do you ever wish you could be a kid just for a minute?  I got “that look” again when I broke into song…It’s getting hot in here….our night time swim was short she thought it was weird to be in the pool in the dark.

We are watching Happy Feet and doing a bible study on Solomon.  The Baby Girl sure knows how to keep things interesting.  I’m telling you the girl is going to be the next Joyce Meyers.

I think God knows I need some bible reading tonight, it’s been a long day.  I pray daily for wisdom with my only son and so far I’ve found everything but wisdom.  I want to shake that young man.  If someone would have told me a few years ago that Mr. Perfect would hurt me more then anyone else in the world I would have laughed at them, but he has.  I can’t make myself understand it.  Today I was hurt by him and I take that hurt and turn it into anger, I was so ugly.  The Baby Girl and Mr. Wonderful got the brunt of it and then I just left and went for a drive.  I went to the park and sit and talked to God.  I need some relief, driving home I remembered someone telling me about Einstein’s definition of insanity and a lightbulb went off.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.

I will continue to get the same hurt if I continue to do the same things over and over.  I can’t take it anymore.  I need to change my thinking where my son is concerned.  Instead of putting the energy into trying to figure him and his moods out I’m going to just mother the child that still wants to be mothered.  My son is a grown man, actions have consequences.

Tomorrow will be hard on The Baby Girl, but we are going to have fun in spite of it.  We did some shopping for Mr. Wonderful tonight and tomorrow we are going to take him to lunch and get him a new pair of gym shoes.  I’m going to finish a letter to him that I started earlier in the week.  I love that man like no other and I can’t think of a better day to tell him so.

DAD

I have not done A Beautiful Life post in a few weeks, another example I’m depressed. 

I did a post the other day about The Baby Girl’s father or lack there of, I forgot Father’s Day was just around the corner.  It’s a hard holiday for her, how could it not be? 

I didn’t get my own dad’s gifts in the mail…he’ll forgive me.  For a matter of fact him and I have forgiveness down to an art.  I love my dad, I’m sure some of you are like well duh of course you love your dad.  If you read here often you know my family takes dysfunction to a whole new level.  It’s actually down right sad.  I have one full sibling, haven’t seen him in over 10 years, my daughter has met him one time in the drive way at my dad’s.  I have two half sisters, love them both and that love is returned by one.  I have four step sisters that have been my step sisters for so long that they are just my sisters and somehow get along with all of them.  It’s the perfect example that a family is what you make it.

Oh yeah this was about dad.  My parents divorced 30 plus years ago, my mother was and probably still is obsessed with my dad.  I heard my entire life what a sorry S.O.B. he is and was.  My children heard what a sorry S.O.B. he is and was.  Guess what….he’s not a sorry S.O.B.  There are two sides to every story, Daddy didn’t tell his side until three years ago. 

My dad’s best move in his life was marrying his current wife, she balances Daddy and believe me I think that is a full-time job.  He can be quite the grouch.

I love calling and talking to Daddy, you never know what direction a conversation with Daddy will go.  Recently we discuss our president and his shock that his eldest grandchild helped vote him into office.  We have lively conversations about his two oldest grandsons and the fact that he would like to strangle one or both on a regular basis.  He loves to get me going about my younger sister’s phone returning skills.  We talk about the economy, current news stories and he let’s me ramble and ramble about The Baby Girl.  Him and I both love that girl and she knows it.  I encourage him to try to heal his relationship with my brother, I pray about it daily.  I catch him up on what is going on with his sisters, the problem with this is I’m 200 miles away and I give him a hard time that I know more about them then he does. 

I have forgiven him for not being the father I wanted him to be, he has forgiven me for not being the daughter I should have been.  I strongly recommend that if you need to forgive or need to ask someone to forgive you to just do it.  Did I mention how much I love my Daddy?

When Daddy Is Better

The conversation started as many others do, “Mommy, what will happen when Daddy is better?”  These conversations take place further and further apart and for that I’m thankful. 

The Baby Girl is crying herself to sleep tonight.  We talked, we snuggled, we talked, we watched T.V., we talked and then she said she just wanted to go to bed.  I said, “Lizard, I am so sorry you are so sad.”  Her sweet reply, “Mommy it’s ok it’s not your fault.”  Gosh how I wish that was true.  It is my fault.  Me and me alone picked that no good man to be her Daddy.  Of course I had no crystal ball to show me how hurt this little girl would be.  I had no way of knowing that he would wander in and out of her life.  I did have indicators that he was not the most mature or honest man.  The old saying that love is blind, I understand.

My sweet child at 10 thru the help of a therapist knows more about bi-polar disease and alcoholism then a lot of adults.  She knows more about rejection and disappointment then anyone should know.  She has been hurt by several adult family members and as a mother I would like to protect her.  I would like to hold these adults accountable, but I can’t.  I can’t make a grown man be a father if he doesn’t want to be.  I can’t make a woman be a grandmother if she isn’t capable.  I can’t accept unacceptable behavior so she has an aunt in her life. 

I am sitting in my living room crying.  My heart hurts, but I have peace knowing that while my 10 year old is crying herself to sleep she is praying and seeking God.  My sweet girl has God in her heart and prays for others.  I can’t protect her from the ugly dysfunctional family that she was born into, but I can love her enough for a mommy and a daddy.  I can make sure she understands that she is lovable, adorable and that these people who have turned their backs on her are just plain SICK.  I can explain to her that I know what if feels like not to have the love of your own parent.  Most importantly I can pray for my girl, I can pray for her father, her grandmother and her aunt.  I can turn the hurt over to my heavenly Father and know that he has it all under control.

LOVE is deeper than any trial or tribulation. It will push you through any problem or pain and make you surpass any obstacle or opposition!

I needed something a little upbeat to end this blog on and I can’t think of anything better then BABY BOY IS HERE.  Stop by and show some love!  I can’t leave this mom out who I believe is about to get her second miracle.  God is awesome.

I ask you to please pray for My Baby Girl, pray that God keeps her heart open to love.  If you would like to leave a prayer in the comments I would love to print them off and give them to her.  She would love it!!  In case you want to pray for her by name, her first name is Alyssa.  She will always be “The Baby Girl” to her momma!