Hannah

I have had a lousy weekend, some of that caused by bad weather, some of it caused by allowing my life to be affected by another person’s choices.  I know better.  I have control over how I react and I failed miserably this weekend.  I’m just saying I could have looked for a little guidance from God and probably had a much better weekend.

I almost didn’t go to church today, I didn’t feel like going.  I wanted to stay in bed.  My Baby Girl though needed to practice for an upcoming solo so I did what moms do.  I put on my big girl panties and went to church.

I almost laughed out loud when the first song was I Shall Not Be Moved.  I knew I had already been moved.  I wasn’t clinging to God, I haven’t been searching for God.  I’ve somehow just been doing things my way.  I mean I throw up a prayer every day, sometimes a few times a day.  I remind The Baby Girl to say her prayers, I take her to church, I do kind things for less fortunate people, but seeking God nope haven’t been doing it. 

When I was a little girl I wanted more then anything to be a Daddy’s girl, the problem with that was my parents were divorced and my mother’s bitterness didn’t allow room for me to be a Daddy’s girl.  She told me on a regular basis that he loved my stepsisters more then me, he took care of them etc.  The beginning of me feeling less then.  I then started thinking of my stepdad as my dad, I came second to my half-sister yeap less then.  Those feelings of less then hang around in my adult life.  I hate it.  I know that if I don’t work on those feelings the devil finds a way to bring them to the surface and I get ugly.  The only thing worse then someone making me feel less then is them making me feel like they are treating one of my kids like they are less then.  Say hello to one ugly mama bear. 

The devil has had me for days, I’ve cried myself to sleep.  I’ve hid in my room.  I’ve thought things about my marriage that I hadn’t thought for a very long time.  I didn’t like Mr. Wonderful.  Then the sermon started.

Do you know anything about Hannah?  I didn’t before today.  I know a lot now.  I sit in church today on the opposite end of the pew from Mr. Wonderful and Pastor started talking about Hannah “the second wife that had to play second fiddle”.  Wait rewind that, what did you say.  “THE SECOND WIFE WHO HAD TO PLAY SECOND FIDDLE.”  Are you serious?

I almost laughed outloud, at one point when Pastor was talking about there are people in our lives that do not want us to be happy, I even let out an amen.  I decided to learn more about Hannah.  Here is what I will carry with me about Hannah, I found these words here.

• Perhaps one of the most famous women of the Bible, Hannah demonstrates strengths which are often overlooked. Her story reveals the pain many women experience of not being “enough”, yet she shows courage and faith to overcome that pain.
• Hannah faced several serious problems. First her husband had another wife, a wife who gave Elkanah something Hannah couldn’t-children. More Hannah had a deep desire for children. We can take a feminist attitude, and say this desire came from societal pressures, or we can take a human attitude that says Hannah simply wanted to be a mother to her own children. Either way, this woman experienced a pain many women today share–she was barren. Sadly, women today still face the same societal pressures Hannah faced. A heartrending longing for a child by an infertile woman (or man) wounds, yet a Christian culture that defines women solely by the biological “purpose” of childbirth can provide the death blow to a broken spirit. We must be aware of the Hannahs in our midst when we preach that a woman’s place is child rearing. We must remember only God Himself creates us, and only God Himself can give us purpose.
• Hannah’s story also reminds us to use discernment when dealing with a problem. In the church it is popular right now to give Satan and sin credit for everything “bad” in our lives. We hear that satan steals this from us, or took away that. We’re told we should demand those things back or “storm the gates of hell to take back what he took”. Well, not everything we don’t like in our life can be laid at the enemy’s door. Satan hadn’t prevented Hannah from having children. Several times the Bible says, “the LORD closed her womb.” Just because we don’t like something, doesn’t mean its not part of God’s “good plan” for our lives. Hannah’s infertility lead to the founding of Samuel’s ministry. Samuel anointed David. Without Hannah’s infertility, her vow and her obedience Samuel wouldn’t have been raised in the house of the Lord and wouldn’t have anointed David.
• Hannah has an intense time with the Lord. We can see she has literally poured out her heart to Him. We all have our own church cultures, and I do not mock any of them. But I get the image of someone from one of the old time black gospel churches laying it all out in the middle of St Peter’s Basilica. Hannah hurt, and she wasn’t going to pretend before her God that everything was OK. She bled and wanted God to tend her wound.
• This story reminds us to look at our own faults before we look at the faults of others. Elkanah couldn’t see that his disobedience in having two wives caused the women pain and conflict. Eli, priest and prophet of God, had spent so little time with God he couldn’t even distinguish prayer from drunkenness. We would have expected understanding from these two–one the understanding of compassion and the other spiritual understanding; yet both lacked that understanding. Eli’s lack of familiarity with his Lord would cause him problems later in his life.

I like Hannah.  I wish I was more like her.  The facts are the facts in my life, what I choose to do with those facts are all I can control.  I am going to remember Hannah each time the devil tries to get in my heart.  I will remember I am enough. 

I will post the blogs I found this week tomorrow, I needed to get this post written while I was still “feeling it”.  I hope someone got a blessing from it.

Hello

***Let’s see how do I introduce my blog. I guess I’ll start with what I write about. Hang around here long enough and you’ll hear it all, but somethings you may hear over and over like my trials and tribulations of organizing.

I love talking about how I took the above cabinet from it’s boring to fab.

I have an addiction and I need a 12 step program. I’m addicted to paper and ink. The magic happens here. Wow I need new pictures, I’ll work on that this weekend.

You may find a rant and rave about tattoos.

And then you may see me eat my words.

I often talk about infant loss, yeap I’m a member of “That Club”. You can read a little here about the day I found out that a part of my heart would forever be missing.

I talk about my kids so much that I had to give them nicknames, they had issues with people googling their name and ready all “the stupid things I tell about them”-yeap that’s a quote I won’t tell you from which adorable child. The First Born gives me the tattoo ideas, Mr. Perfect is the reason I write about faith, I need lots of it right now with him and The Baby Girl is my entertainment-with her their is never a dull moment.

I often talk about Mr. Wonderful, anytime that I show some great project and take the credit for it…I lie. Mr. Wonderful does all the hard work around here. He can fix anything and enjoys it.

My all time favorite picture, it says a lot about our everyday life. The Baby Girl is always ready to party and we are old and tired.

I love to do interviews on my blog. If you are interested leave me a comment or email me paperglueetc@yahoo.com. It’s as close as I will come to being a reporter.

I love a good Blog Party (check out my Blog Party list and let me know if you want me to add one), I try not to miss A Beautiful Life every Friday.  I will be starting a blog carnival on 7-11 and it needs a name. I would guess there would be a prize involved if someone helped me come up with a great name.

Please stop back by we’ll chat about scrapbooking and card making, thrift store shopping, holidays, parenting, current events, and anything else that jumps in my path.

***

Click here to enter your link in the blog hop and view the entire list of entered links…

I’m having Linky issues, I’m challenged so I’ve emailed Brent will fix ASAP!

Feeling So Blessed…

Today was Melda’s shower at church.  In case you missed who Melda is please see here.  I can not begin to explain how awesome the women at Winton Road First Church of God really are.  I have to say I never worried about not having gifts for Melda because my church just wouldn’t let that happen.  I knew they would give, but I was overwhelmed when I looked at the counter and saw the amount of stuff we had donated for her.  God is really awesome.  The verse Matthew 25:40 ran thru my head all day, and it continues to.  I can’t ever just do a little though so I know I can’t just send Melda these gifts and then forget about her.  I don’t know what I will do, but I know I’ll do something.  I was touched that two ladies thought of her grandchildren, one put koolaid in a pitcher for her and the other bought brownie mix to go with a cake pan. 

We had great cake and cheese cake and then got to work.  We wrapped the gifts, I wondered out loud if Melda had ever received a wrapped gift.  I think after watching Amber’s video and hearing her and Cathy talk about the six mission trips they have taken to Pine Ridge I know this is not the last thing I will do for the people of Pine Ridge.

Matthew 25:40

“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’

By the time we left we decided to do some personal items for Melda, did I mention these ladies are awesome?

Today in church something made me think about non-believers.  I’ve always said I can understand people who question God, I’ve even

had my own doubts at times in life.  Here is how I see it though, if the non-believer is wrong they have A LOT to lose-hell is an ugly ugly place.  However, as a Christian if I’m the one that is wrong and I die and there is no heaven, what have I lost?  The bible and the God that I serve makes me a much better person then I was before I became a believer.  My God puts things on my heart like Melda, my God loves me even when I am not very lovable.  I believe 100% that when I leave this crazy insane world I will hear the gates of heaven close behind me, I’m thankful for that faith. 

I have a list of questions that I want to ask God someday, it’s all of those “what the heck were you thinking” questions.  You know the ones-I think we all have “the list”.

I have some things I’m struggling with and when I struggle I always try to focus on folks who have a lot more going on then I do, like a mother who made the loving decision to place her infant son for adoption, or how about the family that is checking into a hospital to start the delivery of a baby with an uncertain future, or how about a 34 year old mother whose facing the nightmare of a cancer relapse.  Pray for these folks.

When Daddy Is Better

The conversation started as many others do, “Mommy, what will happen when Daddy is better?”  These conversations take place further and further apart and for that I’m thankful. 

The Baby Girl is crying herself to sleep tonight.  We talked, we snuggled, we talked, we watched T.V., we talked and then she said she just wanted to go to bed.  I said, “Lizard, I am so sorry you are so sad.”  Her sweet reply, “Mommy it’s ok it’s not your fault.”  Gosh how I wish that was true.  It is my fault.  Me and me alone picked that no good man to be her Daddy.  Of course I had no crystal ball to show me how hurt this little girl would be.  I had no way of knowing that he would wander in and out of her life.  I did have indicators that he was not the most mature or honest man.  The old saying that love is blind, I understand.

My sweet child at 10 thru the help of a therapist knows more about bi-polar disease and alcoholism then a lot of adults.  She knows more about rejection and disappointment then anyone should know.  She has been hurt by several adult family members and as a mother I would like to protect her.  I would like to hold these adults accountable, but I can’t.  I can’t make a grown man be a father if he doesn’t want to be.  I can’t make a woman be a grandmother if she isn’t capable.  I can’t accept unacceptable behavior so she has an aunt in her life. 

I am sitting in my living room crying.  My heart hurts, but I have peace knowing that while my 10 year old is crying herself to sleep she is praying and seeking God.  My sweet girl has God in her heart and prays for others.  I can’t protect her from the ugly dysfunctional family that she was born into, but I can love her enough for a mommy and a daddy.  I can make sure she understands that she is lovable, adorable and that these people who have turned their backs on her are just plain SICK.  I can explain to her that I know what if feels like not to have the love of your own parent.  Most importantly I can pray for my girl, I can pray for her father, her grandmother and her aunt.  I can turn the hurt over to my heavenly Father and know that he has it all under control.

LOVE is deeper than any trial or tribulation. It will push you through any problem or pain and make you surpass any obstacle or opposition!

I needed something a little upbeat to end this blog on and I can’t think of anything better then BABY BOY IS HERE.  Stop by and show some love!  I can’t leave this mom out who I believe is about to get her second miracle.  God is awesome.

I ask you to please pray for My Baby Girl, pray that God keeps her heart open to love.  If you would like to leave a prayer in the comments I would love to print them off and give them to her.  She would love it!!  In case you want to pray for her by name, her first name is Alyssa.  She will always be “The Baby Girl” to her momma!

Praying for “B”

It’s been four days since I refreshed a woman’s blog for hours “living” her birth experience with her, reliving my sweet Baby James’ birth and death.  I wanted her not to forget to give April Rose a bath, I had an epidural and couldn’t get out of bed so I didn’t get to give Baby James his one and only bath.  I was hopeful she would get a great family picture of her, “D” and April Rose, we didn’t accomplish that task with Baby James.

I prayed that “B” was able to look into April Rose’s eyes and see into her soul, my sweet baby James never opened his eyes.  I wanted “B” to get the perfect prints of her little girls hands and feet, I cherish James’. 

I cried myself to sleep Sunday night and I wondered when I woke up Monday would I discover that April Rose was in heaven with Baby James. 

I don’t regret any of the time I spent on praying for “B”, “D” or April Rose, I have continued to pray over and over for this woman who is so broken that she “invented” this huge lie.  It hurts that she sought out women who were hurting and vulnerable to “follow” her blog.  I want to give God the glory though, I clung to him Sunday like I hadn’t in a very long time, I’ve sought his guidance daily even hourly this week.  I hope “B” gets the help she desperately needs and if she ever finds my blog I hope she emails me, I would like to pray with her and encourage her.  My email address is paperglueetc@yahoo.com. 

Remember pregnancy is a gift, a healthy baby is a miracle and pray for “B”.

Here is an interview done by a Chicago paper with “B”.

Little Girls

Updated with information about April Rose Scam……..see below.

I do not want The Baby Girl to grow up.  I want her to always think “I’m cool.”  I want her to always need help with homework.  I want her to ask at least once a week if I will snuggle with her before she goes to sleep.  I don’t want her to wear make-up, shave her legs or ever have a boyfriend.  I want her to get up on Sundays ready to go to church.  I want to be able to do her shopping for her.  I will be so sad when I become “Mom” instead of “Mommy”.  In two days Fourth Grade will come to an end, where does the time go?

As I was typing this I was watching Nancy Grace and yet another mother claiming her child is dead because she made bad choices.  Seriously?  I’m not perfect and was even less perfect with The First Born and Mr. Perfect, but I would protect my kids against anyone or anything. 

I’ve been reading a blog for months that I hope you will stop by.  I have prayed for April Rose and her parents so many times.  April was born yesterday, and it seems that a lot of people have left insane messages on the blog so the blog has been taken down.  Who can blame them?  What is wrong with this world, if you don’t agree with someone’s decision that’s ok, being abusive and acting crazy really not ok.  I am editing to say that maybe I’ve been fooled, maybe this is a hoax.  I still say pray for these folks, if this is all a hoax they need prayer more then ever.  I found a couple of blogs today that have me thinking it’s a hoax.  Here is Blog 1, Here is Blog 2,  and Blog 3.  As a mother who had to make the gut wrenching decision of whether to continue with a pregnancy that had been deemed fatal, I’m pissed.  Yes I said pissed.  I regret my decision not to carry Baby James to term, I’ll always regret that decision.  I connected with “B”, I was her “cheerleader”, her prayer partner, her sister in Christ.  I have to believe that “she” or “he” because God knows who this blog was written by has got to be sick so I continue to pray.  I pray for healing for the “blog writer”, I pray for peace for other Moms like me who feel betrayed and have relived their own experience while following this blog.  When I read the updates of her birth on Sunday I literally relived the 2 1/2 days I was in labor and the beautiful 52 minutes we spent with Baby James.  Shame on these people.  Did I mention I’m pissed?  I really hope this is all some crazy misunderstanding, but I’ve pretty much lost hope that we’ll ever know at this point.

This is turning out to be a very random post, oh well that’s ok it’s my blog.  I have the right to be random right?  I’ve really been feeling pretty yuck lately.  I always know when things aren’t right with me I sleep a lot. 

I went against my gut tonight and watched Jon & Kate Plus 8, it was the 100th episode.  I am happy to report it was not as depressing as two weeks ago.

This summer The Baby Girl is not going to Daycare full-time.  She is going to do a few weeks of fun camps, but for most of the summer her siblings are going to “watch” her.  Yeah right, she will be “watching” them.  I told her I would find fun activities for her, today I bought her a Suduko game for her laptop, she thinks it’s hard.  I also found the coolest website that gives writing prompts, she is looking forward to this idea.

I am struggling with behavior from others, I am trying to remind myself that I only have control over my own actions.  I can only be responsible for myself.  I had to pray really hard this week not to revert to my old familiar behavior with a situation.  God is good, I bit my tongue.

Alright enough for one night, The Baby Girl just made us popcorn.  She loves her Mommy, I wonder how long that will last?

Prayer

Tonight is one of those nights where I would be better off to close the laptop and not blog.  I will look back on this blog post months from now and regret things I say. 

This week I was hit with the reality that a lot of times when we pray for someone or something, there is someone else praying for the exact opposite.  I guess I’m trying to say that in many situations when prayer is involved there is a winner and a loser.  Is that really true?  In a tragic mess, where people’s hearts are invovled does anyone win?  I have prayed so hard about a situation and it didn’t go the way I wanted it go.  I remember praying for God’s will, but I guess deep down I wanted my will.  Sound familiar to anyone?  I look at this situation and there is so much hurt and I feel helpless.  I came home today tried to think of something to do, should I send a card, was praying enough, should I show up on a doorstop, should I text, should I do nothing.  I had a good cry, yelled at God and ate a donut.  

Somewhere during the crying, yelling and eating I remembered a bible verse that I clung to right after Baby James’ death.  Psalm 34:18  The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  I knew then I didn’t need to do anything, I just needed to pray. 

Do you ever wonder what people do that don’t have faith when they are broken hearted and crushed?  I don’t wonder, I’ve seen it over and over in my own family.  I want to praise God today that even though I don’t like what happened this week, I don’t understand it, it’s God’s will and I have to accept it.  I guess that’s why some people turn away from God, why some people have a deal breaker with God.  Acceptance does not come easy.  How do you accept something that seems so stupid?  You do it with God’s help.  You turn it over to God over and over.  You pray about it over and over.  You believe with all your heart that God has His hand in the situation and He’s working it out exactly the way it’s suppose to be worked out.

Without going into details let me encourage you to love your kids, don’t just love them make sure they know their loved. 

Have a friend that you hurt or disappointed?  Fix it.  Don’t wait for something horrible to happen, do it now.

My Lord, I know you are gracious–in my mind.  Help me to feel it and trust it more and more deeply–in my heart!  Amen.

Pretend Title Is Here

I missed my Friday Beautiful Life post, life got in the way.  Make sure you stop by and see all the great post at The Inspired Room.

It’s amazing how a chance encounter can take a pretty good week and turn it into a pretty bad week.  Mr. Wonderful, The Baby Girl and I went to a plant sale yesterday and ran into someone from our past.  This chance encounter reminded me how different Mr. Wonderful and I really are, I kept walking and he made this person talk to him.  I went ahead and bought my plants without even commenting to him about his “people pleasing ways” and enjoyed my plant sale.  We got in the car and he said, “So and So wasn’t even going to speak to me, but I made her.”  My silence ended right there.  Imagine that.  I told Mr. Wonderful that there comes a time in life when we have to look at situations for what they really are.  I asked him what having small talk with this person had accomplished?  He looked confused.  I went on to tell him that we purposely choose to not have folks like Ms. So and So in our lives so why bother to have small talk with her when you run into her?  I admit, I didn’t even speak.  I spent many years having surface relationships with people that made my skin crawl because we were connected thru other relationships.  I said to Mr. Wonderful half joking, “Let me tell you what kinda of small talk I wanted to have with her.  I wanted to ask her if she was finally taking some medication for her depression, and if she was how much was she drinking while taking that medication?  I thought about asking her if she was stil involved in a relationship with a married man?  I thought about asking her if she finally learned talking about people behind their backs is juvenile?  I really wanted to ask her if she had learned how to act like an adult especially in church?”  Mr. Wonderful looked over and smiled and said, “I’m glad you didn’t have “small talk” with her.

Sitting in church last week I was holding a sweet little baby who was loving my Troll Bracelet, the boy has good taste.  I was watching his chubby little hand grabbing my bracelet and that’s when I had the thought, “God is amazing.”  You see I was holding that chubby cute little baby on Mother’s Day and I realized I was loving every minute of it.  There was a day when I couldn’t hold a baby without tears running down my face, I couldn’t walk down the diaper aisle at the grocery store without wanting to scream and every round pregnant belly made me ask God, “Why not me?”  I say again, “Isn’t God amazing?”

The chance encounter made me feel the same way yesterday, because remember that small talk that I wanted to have?  Well believe it or not a few years ago I would have had at least a part of that conversation.  I would have been U-G-L-Y.  Not today though.  I walked around that plant sale and said a prayer to God, I thanked him for getting me out of those relationships.  I thanked him for surrounding me with people who are loving and not self destructive.  I thanked him for the open communication I have with Mr. Wonderful and the understanding that makes me laugh at Mr. Wonderful’s “people pleasing ways” instead of wanting to change him. 

I have not had a good “people week” and I wonder what I’m suppose to be learning from it.  I don’t understand people and it becomes harder and harder to treat people like I want to be treated, because so few people return the favor.  I wish that people would just stop and think how they would feel before they open their mouth.  I could seriously have my own personal Pity Party on how people have trampled on my feelings this week, but why right?  I only have control over my own actions and my own reactions and looking back on the week I’m pretty darn proud of myself.

I am going to spend some time in my craft room today and try to get out of the funk I am feeling.

Worry

Today was Mother’s Day and this week while I dreaded the day I somehow lost sight of the joy I would feel today. 

It started with cold yucky toast for breakfast, made by The Baby Girl.  A few hours later I arrive at church to find out I misunderstood and I really did have to teach a class, hmmm let’s see teach a class.  Thank God for my extra special bestie who is an overachiver and had too much prepared for her class.  Gotta love having friends like that.

My lesson was on Luke 12:25

Do Not Worry

 ²²Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. ²³Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. ²⁴Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! ²⁵Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]? ²⁶Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?  ²⁷“Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ²⁸If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!

I opened the lesson and read it, I had to go to the bathroom to have “a moment”.  Isn’t God amazing?  I had worried so much about how to handle Mother’s Day that I had forgotten to thank God for the great gift of being a mother.  There is nothing in this world that means more to me then my role as a mother. 

 Today in church seeing Alyssa enjoying singing and hearing her read a scripture for the church, made me proud.  She read Roman 8:39.

³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have that same type of love for my kids, there is nothing that will ever change that.  I will remember days like today when they push my buttons, because today was nearly perfect.

The yucky toast was forgotten when I was presented with this masterpiece, it was delicious!

Babel

[edit] Narrative

The story is found in Genesis 11:1-9 (King James Version) as follows:

1 And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech. 2 And it came to pass, as they journeyed from the east, that they found a plain in the land of Shinar; and they dwelt there. 3 And they said one to another, Go to, let us make brick, and burn them thoroughly. And they had brick for stone, and slime had they for mortar. 4 And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth. 5 And the Lord came down to see the city and the tower, which the children built. 6 And the Lord said, Behold, the people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do; and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do. 7 Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another’s speech. 8 So the Lord scattered them abroad from thence upon the face of all the earth: and they left off to build the city. 9 Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the Lord did there confound the language of all the earth: and from thence did the Lord scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

It’s Friday and that means A Beautiful Life post, I wasn’t suprised today when I saw she was talking about Mother’s Day.  I was thrilled though when I saw the words “Press On” in the same blog post.  I have been doing just that this week.

I understand that relationships are complicated, I even understand that I complicate relationships.  I know that relationships have highs and lows. 

After two years of counseling both individually and jointly, I know that I am a great person.  I have a huge heart.  I have faith in God.  I am a good friend, a good sister, a great mother, a great wife and a wonderful daughter to my father. 

The one relationship that I should have rock solid faith in I have none.  This week I struggled with this fact more then usual, I guess it’s the Hallmark commercials, the florist billboards, the less then smooth references about gifts and celebrations from The Baby Girl.  All of the above has be struggling with you guessed it…….Mother’s Day.

I have been on a rollercoaster ride about how to handle Mother’s Day.  My head said do nothing, then my heart said, “Pray about it.”  I did over and over.  I prayed, God moved me to do nothing, so I prayed some more.  Still nothing.  The commercials, my sweet child, etc. etc. etc. and I convinced myself I should do something.  Notice I convinced myself.  I kept telling myself, “It was the right thing to do.”

So yesterday I went to Berean bought The Spare Mom a thoughtful gift, drove to the post office and mailed it.

I noticed the park across the street from the post office and I decided to go sit and pray some more, remember I wanted Him to give me the answer I wanted.  Pretty simple, it went something like this…”Hey God I know I’ve been praying about how to handle Mother’s Day, BUT you obviously don’t understand because you have given me no answers, so I’ll handle this on  my own.”  Ever had a conversation like that with God?  So I get out sit in the park and start to write.  The paper was cute as  could be, I had a great pen, the park was beautiful, the sun was shining and have I mentioned I love to write.  The first few sentences were I guess what you would expect-

Dear Mom-

I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day, I wanted you to know I was thinking of you.  I wish things could be different between us, but I guess they are what they are…..

Not bad huh?  I will not share the remainder of that letter or the other two that I tried to write after ripping up the park letter.  I visited not one, not two but three florist trying to find flowers that I could send. 

I had called a friend before starting this craziness and I quote, “You better really pray about this before you do anything.”  I called her back explained my fear, hurt and anger.  That’s when she shared the story of Babel and that’s when I knew God was giving me an answer.  If it was God’s will for me to write a letter and honor my mother on Mother’s Day I would have had the words, they would not have been the angry, hurtful words that came after those first couple sentences above.  I would have felt peace and not the need to smack someone. 

So, I had a good cry.  I put my big girl panties on and decided to enjoy Mother’s Day for myself and to make it special for two other women who really deserve my love and thoughtfulness.

I bought a friend a card and decided to give her a coffee mug I had bought a long time ago, you see she would give anything to celebrate Mother’s Day with her son.  She can’t, he’s in heaven.  I honored her and she called me today and thanked me.  Not complicated at all.

I will take flowers to another woman on Sunday.  She has no biological children, but is a role model to many.  She is a Christian woman who always has a smile on her face.  I will honor her, she will be touched.  Not complicated at all.

I will make sure to text my dear friend Gina who will be celebrating her first Mother’s Day without her mom and invite her over for a glass of wine.

I will not write a letter to my mother, I will not send a card, I will not have flowers delivered, I will not call her.  I will pray for her.