Denial Is More Then A River In Egypt

ImageI stood on the bank of the lake this weekend and wondered what The Baby Girl was thinking as she looked out at the lake.  Wouldn’t life be great if we could read people’s minds.

I had a huge blow last week, it shouldn’t have been I should be use to BUT I’m not.  The rejection, the disappointment, the hurt have finally all turned to down right ANGER.  It’s an ugly anger, the kind that makes the pit of your stomach feel like you want to throw up.  It’s the type of anger that tells me it’s time to cut bait.  I’m spent.  I’m exhausted.  I’ve had all I can take.

I of course was told, “there’s more to it”.  Well there isn’t.  It’s 40 years of feeling “not good enough”, “not loved”, “not looked out for”, “not protected” and it’s a 45 year old woman saying, “Wait a minute, I deserve more then this.”  I deserve to be a priority.  I deserve respect and I deserve to be protected. 

I wish I was hurt, I could deal with the hurt because it doesn’t scare me like the anger.  Tonight I actually thought of knocking on this person’s door and just letting her know exactly how evil she is.  Of course she’s a “good Christian woman”.  Dear Lord help us if that is Christianity.  But instead I went and did a little RAK for my sweet daughter and decided I will not stoop to the ugliness I have been subjected to.  I will just politely throw in the towel and once the dust settles I will try to learn whatever I was suppose to learn and chalk it up to a life experience.

Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you’ll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.  ~Jacob M. Braude

ImageI ran to my sister this weekend, it was the best thing I could have done for my head and my heart.  Why you might wonder.  Well, she reminded me I am a great person, I have a lot to offer and I have given a lot if that isn’t enough to get me the love, the respect and the protection I have begged for what more can I do.  There comes a time when enough is enough, where you just can’t make any more excuses.

You can kid the world.  But not your sister.  ~Charlotte Gray

ImageWe had a girls weekend and when it’s all said and done I know that I’m loved…I might not know what tomorrow brings, but I know that whatever it brings I will have my sister by my side and we’ll laugh even thru the tears. 

Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.  ~Eckhart Tolle

I wonder when it’s all said and done how many people will be affected by one person’s inability to see things for what they really are and do something about it.  How long can you ignore evil and at what point do you then become part of that evil?  How can you let your life blow up in your face because you can’t stand up for what is right?

One does evil enough when one does nothing good.  ~German Proverb

The saddest part for me as I watch my life as I know it fall apart around me I’m not in a panic.  I keep thinking, “I’ll be ok.”  This person who has caused so much hurt, anger and down right hostility will be gone from my life.  The sad part is she will continue her games, there will just be new faces and new victims…the outcome will be the same and all the while the person allowing it all to take place…the only person capable to stop the cycle will be sitting back pretending it all isn’t happening.

Denial is more then a river in Egypt.

I’m not sure who I have more anger at my monster-in-law or my husband who doesn’t care enough about me, my daughter, himself, his children or our marriage to put this ugly woman in her place.  Pitiful.

It is what it is.

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About Michelle

I started my blog as a way to connect with other paper crafters and of course it has gone a totally different direction. I've been able to share my experience as a mother, my hurt and disappointments over not having a relationship with my maternal unit, my walk with God and how knowing Him has changed me and continues to help me grow into the person I strive to be......
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One Response to Denial Is More Then A River In Egypt

  1. Queenie, Linda, Mom, Geegaw, and Dumbass. I am all of those people. says:

    Michelle,
    I love you. I have always loved you. You sat with Jodi when I had surgery. I did not know until weeks later. I will never forget that. You are gifted with talents you don’t even know. You have a beautiful spirit. God loves you sooo much. We can not even imagine the bounds of His love. Every bad time in our life is a life learning lesson. Then when we find someone going through the same thing we know the pain they are in and we can say ” I know the pain” and then they do not feel so alone. This is why I share my story with anyone that stands still.
    Queen Mother

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