Sweet Baby James-Infant Loss Sucks

Well it’s here, February 28, 2010.  I made it!  Five years, unbelievable.  Five years ago at this very moment I was calling the funeral home to come and pick his sweet little body up.  Amazing!

I never knew heartache like that and I can honestly say I hope I live the rest of my life without that kind of pain.  I think it’s a pain that only a mother feels and it’s only felt when you watch your own flesh and blood slip from this earth.  I spent six months giving that little guy a 100%, he knew I loved him that I’m sure of. 

I think each year I “learn” something else from him.  This year I believe I’ve learned that God gave Baby James to the “right” family.  We have done some really awesome things in his memory, each year it’s something different and will be as long as I’m able. 

Last year on his birthday I posted about “Sunrises” and what they mean to me. 

This week I spent a lot of time thinking about how everyone grieves differently and someone reminded me about Carl carrying the urn around.  I mean he really carried it around.  It went to drycleaners, it went to his mom’s to pick up a pair of pants she fixed for him to wear to the funeral, it went up and down the stairs in the laundry basket as he did laundry.  I thought I would scream.  I thought he had lost his mind, and you know we both had….not only our minds but our hearts.  I remember coming home from the funeral and telling him I didn’t want Baby James to leave “home” again, we brought him home and home was where he was going to stay.  I didn’t tell Carl, but I feared he’d try to take him to work with him. 

I have to say the old saying, “Time heals all wounds…..” isn’t entirely true, I’m not healed.  My heart hurt today.  I wish he was here, I wish it was different.  I’ve accepted that it is what it is, but healed I’m not.  It sucks, can’t think of any other way to explain what I feel.  IT SUCKS!

The Cord  

It’s not like the cord that connects us at birth this cord can’t be seen by any on earth.

This cord does it’s work right from the start it binds us together attached to my heart I know that it’s there though no one can see the invisible cord from my child to me.

The strength of this cord it’s hard to describe it can’t be destroyed it can’t be denied.

It’s stronger than any cord man could create it withstands the test can hold any weight and though you are gone though you’re not here with me the cord is still there but no one can see.

It pulls at my heart I am bruised…I am sore but this cord is my lifeline as never before.

I am THANKFUL that God connects us this way a MOTHER and CHILD death can’t take it away!