Reflecting….

I have to wonder if it’s school starting tomorrow, The First Born’s invite to lunch this week, a couple of blogs I stumbled across this week, spending time with some of my favorite people on Friday, not feeling great physically or maybe all of the above that has me reflecting on motherhood.

Am I the only one that feels it truly is the most thankless relationship most of the time.  I’m sure all moms feel that they aren’t appreciated, but I feel it more and more.  I think back to the days when it was just The First Born and Mr. Perfect and first of all I’m amazed I made it on the little I had.  I think they appreciated the things I bought them, I think they knew it wasn’t easy.  The Baby Girl ABSOLUTELY does not appreciate anything she is given.  We spent three weeks school shopping, we got more outfits then I care to admit and five pairs of shoes, not to mention a Brat doll and a Jonas Brother CD; she thanked me for the CD.  Wow, how do you change that?  I gave that a lot of thought today and here is what I decided to do.

  1. I added up the receipts and told her how much I spent.  I then explained how long it took to make that much money and what else I could have spent it on.  I figured out both practical and non practical things I could have done with the money.  I wrote it all down and asked her if she realized how lucky she is.  I think it made her think.
  2. I bought school supplies to donate to her elementary and explained to her that children will start school tomorrow whose parents can’t afford school supplies right here in Fairfield, Ohio.  She looked stunned.
  3. Of course I explained that when I went school shopping I had $100 to spend and my maternal unit bought me one pair of shoes. 

Don’t get me wrong I love doing things for my kids, but every now and then I wish I felt they appreciated the little things that I do.  I’m trying right now to come up with some cutesy gift for The First Born who is going to Florida in two weeks. 

 I have been thinking about Baby James a lot this week, I think part of that is I stumbled across a blog where a mom is waiting on the birth of her little one.  Stop by her blog and leave her some encouragement.  Her little Nevaeh will be born this week and has the same diagnosis as Baby James (Anencephaly).  I was laying awake last night after reading her blog and I felt so conflicted.  I rarely let myself regret the past, I have made some pretty crappy choices.  I have asked even begged God for forgiveness for some of my choices, the one regret I will always have is not carrying Baby James to term.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  I’m not sure it’s regret, I have doubt.  I doubt that I made the right choice, I learned of the diagnosis on Friday and induced labor on Saturday.  Not one single person questioned my decision, not one single person talked to me about other options.  At some point when I was wrestling with what to do a doctor told me that the chances of him being born alive lessened as he got bigger because of the trauma of the birth and his skull not being formed.  That formed the deal for me, I wanted him to be born alive more then anything.  Was that selfish?  Was that wrong?  I remember not sleeping that Friday night because I wanted to experience every minute I could with Baby James, why didn’t something stir in me that I could have a couple more months with him.  I know my relationship with God wasn’t where it is today, but why didn’t God put someone in my path with other options?  Baby James’ eyes never opened, he wasn’t developed enough for that.  I really believe that had I known that I would have waited.  I wanted to see those little eyes, I wanted to look in those eyes and tell him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him, how many hopes and dreams I had for him.  He was so beautiful.  His little hands and feet were perfect, he was so tiny.  He was born alive, you have no idea how many times I have thanked God for those 52 minutes, I asked for a couple God gave me almost an hour.  I know God used Baby James to teach me so many things, I have thanked him many times for not using The First Born, Mr. Perfect or The Baby Girl-is that horrible?  I don’t know if it’s horrible, but it’s a fact.  I often wonder if any other mom has had that thought?  My heart still aches for Baby James.  I am a much better mother, wife, friend, daughter all around person because of Baby James.  I will never know if I made the right decision, I do know I made the best decision I could at the time. 

Tomorrow school will start for The Baby Girl, The First Born will introduce me to a boyfriend this week, Mr. Perfect will probably blow in here for ten minutes grab something to eat and be on his way and my mom heart will continue to love, to hope, to cherish each milestone.  All of the big and little events that happen in my “Mom World” will be cherished a little more because of one little guy named James.  I love you little guy. 

I am the mother of four and I always will be.

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baby james foot

Psalm: 127:3: “Children are a heritage from the Lord.”

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About Michelle

I started my blog as a way to connect with other paper crafters and of course it has gone a totally different direction. I've been able to share my experience as a mother, my hurt and disappointments over not having a relationship with my maternal unit, my walk with God and how knowing Him has changed me and continues to help me grow into the person I strive to be......
This entry was posted in faith, family, grief, infant loss, life, religion. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Reflecting….

  1. amber says:

    Wow, I have always known you were an amazing woman and a wonderful mother but I am even more sure of it after reading this. There are just no easy answers for a lot of things life throws at us. Baby James taught us all a lot of things and if anyone ever questions whether a baby is really a baby at that stage all they have to do is look at Baby James. Our kids are precious – even when they’re acting like jerks. I know, I just read mine kids comment of FB. Grrrr… :)

  2. dudethatscrazy says:

    Mommy hood is hard stuff. I have two boys 4 and 2. I had a tubal pregnancy that was mistaken for an appendicitis. I found out I was pregnant in the surg prep room. Is there nothing else you can do? Only knowing there was a child for an hour will most certainly reverberate in my mind forever. What could have been. There was no decision to be had in my case. Yet still you want it to be the other way. You just have to keep being the best mother you know how to be to the kids you have. We are trying to teach our children very early the importance of giving thanks, and also receiving it. Its a battle.

  3. Melanie says:

    Hopped over from BlogFrog…Our #4 child, Ruby, was stillborn at 24 weeks. Don’t know what happened, but I still wonder how I could have been carrying her and not realized something was wrong (her movements slowed, etc) so that she could have been born alive. I would have given anything for that, so I TOTALLY do not judge you for inducing. (Not that I would anyway…) But I guess I’m saying that no matter what happens, or how things play out, we mommies tend to doubt ourselves and our choices, and wish things could have been different. Bless your sweet baby James. If you have accepted Jesus’ gift of life and forgiveness, we will rejoice with those precious children some day!!!!! Thank you for sharing…

  4. Debbie says:

    Visiting you from BlogFrog…I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now…I can only imagine the heartache. Please don’t ponder the “what ifs,” it’s Satan’s way of bringing you down. Baby James is up with God now, and that’s all that matters.

    BTW…I’m up in Columbus :)

  5. Pingback: I Can’t Resist « Paper Glue Etc.

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