Ok I am consumed and I admit it.  I think about all the ladies I’ve “met” from Angie’s blog and how much anyone of them would give to be a mother to their child/children and then you have some spoiled brat like Casey Anthony that is obviously playing some “type of game” with the welfare of her child and I am disgusted.  This family is strange, the grandmother who I had so much sympathy for has me so mad I would like to drive to Florida, I was happy to see a reporter put her in her place today on Fox News, (Go Meghan) Video  I think Grandma likes being in the spotlight, I wonder if she knows what an idiot she looks like?  You can see a lot of discussion about the case here.

Ok, I admit I watch way too much T.V.  For those of you who know me personally I grieved for Laci Peterson like she was a friend, her mother, Sharon Rocha is one of my heros.  Nancy Grace is a woman that I would love to meet, I think she is awesome.  I get wrapped up in these stories, I’ve even sent Sharon Rocha a Mother’s Day card.  So, last night when the story came on about Caylee Anthony I actually sit in the living room and cried.  I thought about Cindy Anthony for the rest of the night, she was the last thing I prayed about before I went to bed and this morning her and Caylee were my first thought.  Through out the day I prayed for this family, yes I prayed for the entire family.  I especially prayed for Caylee’s mother.  I was reminded again today just how unconditional a mother’s love is suppose to be.  I watched Cindy Anthony on some news show tonight talk with love about a situation that is heart breaking.  She is focused on finding her grandchild, she is loving her daughter no matter what has happened.  She is a mother and her heart is breaking and I hope we can all remember her, her child and her grandchild.  This family needs prayers and I hope you will all join me in a prayer for them……

We don’t know what it is, but we know what it isn’t….it’s not melanoma or anything else the Dermatologist felt we needed to worry about.  I liked (really liked) the Dermatologist, great bedside manner and very informative.  We go back at the end of August and if it is still there she will do a biopsy.  I just can’t tell you how relieved we are.  Her guesses were infected hair, poison ivy (strange reaction something to do with it being black, we didn’t fully understand this theory), infected bug bite.  Sweet Lyss hasn’t been able to sleep (her worry was about the biopsy, she had no idea of the fear we all had.  She told me last night she hasn’t been able to sleep and then today she had really bad butterflies…have I mentioned how cute that child is?  THANKS FOR EVERYONE THAT CALLED, EMAILED, TEXTED AND MOST IMPORTANTLY WHO PRAYED TODAY AND ALL WEEK….I praise God today.  I decided when I woke up today that I was going to praise God regardless of what happened today.  I prayed a lot during the night (like Alyssa I haven’t slept good for a week) and I had a lot of peace today.  I have talked to close friends this past week about my fears and how I questioned where my faith was and during the night my mind kept going to Jesus’ words

Matthew 8:26 NIV

He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.   

Somewhere during the night I came to terms that no matter what we found out today, He would get me through it.  He would hold my hand, wipe my tears, calm my fears that no matter what a doctor told us today He promised me that with Him all things are possible. 

I have to say that last week when I was in my downward spiral my sweet faithful friend said, “Quit beating yourself up, you’re scared.  You will find your faith.”  THANK YOU SHERRI!

Again thank you to each and everyone of you for your prayers and friendship.

Ok our weakness snuck up on us.  We were watching T.V. tonight, can’t even remember what we were watching and all of a sudden there is a commercial for Big Brother 10.  We are watching right now, except for Alyssa who said she’s going to bed because she might not watch it this year (let’s see how long that idea last). 

Found a site that has a lot of BB10 info.  I love Jerry already, but I’m afraid those young folks are going to eat him alive.  Let’s hope not.

I wish I could tell y’all that I have been sailing thru the last few days, feeling positive and feeling closer to God day by day..but I would be lying!  I have cried more in two days then I care to admit, I have watched the numbers on the digital clock for hours every night.  I have locked myself in the bathroom to cry when Alyssa says the cutest things….for example…..

To Carl today, “When mommy’s friend comes tomorrow with her daughter, please don’t embarress me.”

To me last night, “Mommy I have a pretty tan, I’m the color of toast the way you like it.”

To Bubby, “Do you have to cuss?”

I have tried to read my bible and just can’t.  I have prayed, I have cried when in my car alone, I have tried to stay busy, I have tried to be positive, BUT I AM SCARED TO DEATH. 

I went to Berean today, thought I would find some great source of encouragment.  I bought a Karen Kingsbury book, (have I mentioned lately I love that woman?) and I bought Alyssa a Pure NRG CD, a Webkinz and a puzzle book.  She was tickled.

I spent some time with Lena today, have I mentioned how awesome that girl is?  We had some yogurt together at a fun new frozen yogurt place near where she works.  Then she made me go to one of her favorite stores Anthropologie.  What neat stuff, it’s times like this that I realize she will go to college someday because she has expensive taste and she’s never going to get married so she’ll have to find a way to have lots of money.

I’m glad this weekend we will be busy, Tammy and Kiely (spelling) are coming over tomorrow, then we have a dinner at church tomorrow night and Alyssa is singing in a program, then Sunday church.

Alyssa has an appointment on Wednesday the 16th at 11:00 a.m.  Praise God!  I am better, had a great night last night with Shaners.  He came for dinner and then hung around and played Wii.  I am afraid to list the blessings I got yesterday and today out of fear of forgetting someone, but if I forget you know I appreciate you I’m just brain challenged right now.  I had so many great emails, Sherri, Amber, Pastor Buriff, Kelly, Queen Mother, Linda, and Susan (I feel like I’m forgetting someone…ugh).  Had a great call with my Daddy, he reminded me to pray when we hung up the phone.  My Spare Mother called at the end of the day and she had added Alyssa to her prayer chain at church and I got a little bit of a mom and a little bit of a nurse all rolled into one and I felt peace when I got off the phone.  My “adult kids” both hung out with me and I got to giggle at my “adult son” screaming at the Wii game.  My wonderful husband had Alyssa calmed down by telling her that when they remove “her fungus” they will put her to sleep, of course this isn’t true and he’ll have to deal with that on Wednesday but at least she isn’t stressed.

Aunt Jeanette sent me the email below and it summed up exactly how I’ve been feeling for the past 24 hours so I thought I would share.

Thanks for the emails, phone calls, hugs and most of all the prayers!

Big Mud Puddles and Sunny Yellow Dandelions
             Author Unknown

When I look at a patch of dandelions, I see a bunch of weeds that are going to take over my yard.

My kids see flowers for Mom and blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me, I see a smelly, dirty person who probably wants money and I look away

My kids see someone smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love, I know I can’t carry a tune and don’t have much rhythm so I sit self-consciously and listen.

My kids feel the beat and move to it. They sing out the words. If they don’t know them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face, I brace myself against it I feel it messing up my hair and pulling me back when I walk.

My kids close their eyes, spread their arms and fly with it, until they fall to the ground laughing.

When I pray, I say thee and thou and grant me this, give me that.

My kids say, ‘Hi God! Thanks for my toys and my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away tonight Sorry, I don’t want to go to Heaven yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy.’

When I see a mud puddle I step around it. I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.

My kids sit in it. They see dams to build, rivers to cross, and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to learn from? No wonder God loves the little children!

It’s 11:43 a.m. and my world has been turned upside down, I admit I want to climb under the covers and hide.  I was able to get Lyssa an appointment this morning, so I’ve had less then three hours to process the word Melanoma.  I’ve been on a roller coaster ride, I will know tomorrow the exact time of our appointment at Children’s Hospital next Friday.  I don’t need to tell any of you that when your doctor pulls strings to get you an appointment with an office that had a six month waiting list, you have reason to be worried.  I’m scared and I’m angry.  I should be thankful because I only have to wait nine days, but nine days right now seems like a life time.  I knew our doctor was concerned today, I could see it on her face and she didn’t make eye contact with me until she had Lyssa leave the room.  She tried to reassure me, after all melanoma is rare in children.  I shared the news with Aunt Jeanette (surprise that was my first call ha), Carl, Sherri, Tammy, Betsy, Robyn and Melissa and each time I said the words I kept thinking, “This can’t be happening to us.”  Have I mentioned latey that I love Melissa, she offered to go to her appointment with me and I may take her up on that down the road, but right now I’m believing I won’t need my best friend next Friday because this is all going to be some stupid misunderstanding and a dermatolisist will look at it next Friday and say, “Nothing to worry about.”  Alyssa got in the car today and said, “Mom I’ve already prayed and told God I don’t want to have to have surgery to remove it.”  Boy to have that innocence, she prayed so in her mind it’s a done deal.  The pediatrician said not to tell her anything until we have a positive diagnosis of whatever it is.  Please pray for our family, I haven’t told Lena or Shane yet.  I have to get some family history and am going to ask Shane to get me that information, pray about that..ha!  I have decided WebMD is EVIL….why did I get on WebMd, why did I think that would be a good idea?  I have to see my blessings from today, Lyssa’s pediatrician was wonderful and aggressive in trying to get someone to see us quickly, Carol at Children’s Hospital was kind and informative, thru nothing but prayer I was able to maintain control in front of Lyssa and she has no idea that anything is wrong, she thinks the sore is ugly and will have to be removed but that’s all she knows.  She is at daycare so I can have my melt down and have a smile on my face when she gets home.

My plan was to come home tonight and hang out with Lena and Lyssa.  Didn’t happen.  Lena has been in bed since she got home from work and Lyssa after sharing daycare adventures watched T.V. in the green room by herself.  While I was sitting in the living room with Carl here came Lyssa with a new “problem”.  She tends to be quite the Drama Queen and often complains of belly aches and head aches.  I’ve told her the story of the little boy who cried wolf, again she rolls her eyes and says, “Whatever Mom.”  Tonight was different, there is an ugly black growth on her upper thigh.  I won’t even type what I found on WebMD.  I won’t share the pictures I then googled and the down right fear I have right now that something is wrong with my girl.  I have called the doc and know they open at 8 a.m. I will be calling and insisting on an appointment.  I have spent a lot of time tonight praying to God and trying to find peace, but I admit I’m scared.  I tried to get Lyssa to say it was a bug bite, an old sore of some kind, but the kid wouldn’t accomodate me.  She says, “I think it’s been there for a year.”  (not true)  I almost had myself convinced that I was overacting until Carl looked at it and said, “Honey you need to call the doctor tomorrow.”  I am sitting in her room because she couldn’t fall asleep so I came in to hang out with her until she went to sleep and I sit here looking at this child that has changed my life in ways I never dreamed.  I got it right with Lyssa and I love it!  I wasn’t a young selfish immature mom, I didn’t put my own needs before hers ever, I appreciate every experience that I have with her, being her mom has been the most rewarding thing in my life…I have no regrets with this kid.  We are buds.  She had me cracking up tonight, she told her sister she doesn’t come to her house and eat her food and drink all her milk so why does she come here and do that, I can’t tell you how much Lyssa enjoys being an only child these days.  If you stop by my blog tonight please say a prayer that Lyssa doesn’t remember a bug bite and that I’m being a crazy mom, pray that I will get an appointment in the morning and get the answers I need for my peace of mind.  Pray that Lyssa, who has had so many disappointments and hurts from selfish adults will sleep well tonight and handle the doc appointment tomorrow better then her mother thinks she will.  Pray that this mom gets a little sleep.

As I was falling asleep last night I had a thought, “Oh crap, I might have lied on my blog today.”  This charming thought kept me awake for an exrtra hour and now I’m tired and crabby.  I’m not going into this thought tonight because I’m doing some research on the topic.  If someone is evil and hurtful and they never ask for forgiveness, how do you forgive them?  Boy that sermon on Sunday isn’t turning out so warm and fuzzy….dang it!  After some soul searching and some research we’ll discuss!

Have I mentioned lately how much I love Lyss?  She was pushed off of a slide at daycare today, and we are worried about her having a concussion (sp?) so I will have a long night as I have decided to wake her a couple of times during the night to check on her.  I told her yesterday how thankful I am to have her in my life, with the “big kids” gone I’d be really lonely without her.  She just rolled her eyes and said, “Mommy, you are crazy.”

I’ve had four days off and I have enjoyed every minute of it.  I can’t say I did anything exciting but it was four days and I enjoyed them.  Had Lena at home for a couple of days, I really enjoy that girl.  She will be back this week for a couple of days.  Invited Shane to spend an afternoon with me, didn’t happen.

I read a great book, Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picoult.  For those of you who know me this will come as no surprise, I started the book on Saturday and I finished the book on Saturday 418 wonderful pages.  Nine out of ten times I start and finish a book the same day.  I have read Gone With The Wind six times, always start and finish in one weekend.  I love to read, the majority of the books I read are Christian Fiction (something my spare Mom and Aunt Jeanette introduced me to).  I love Karen Kingsbury and have read all of her books, she writes series and I love series.  One of her books hit me right between the eyes, Summer.  Below is part of an entry from her online journal.

   My novel Summer touched a very sensitive and tender nerve with many of you. By now many of you have read it, but still I will talk about it here in a way that doesn’t give enough details to ruin the story. One of the storylines in Summer is the diagnosis and eventual death of a baby due to anencephaly – a neural tube defect that is always fatal. Babies that live to their delivery date will only have a few days before going home to heaven. When I wrote Summer, I feared it might be too depressing – but God showed me a way to make that story full of hope and miracles – the kind we don’t always look for. In the process, God is using that book to touch the hearts of countless women and families who have lost babies – whether through miscarriage or a birth defect or an accident.

    The overriding message in Summer is that life is precious and valuable – that any amount of life is God-given. Life is God’s to give and His to take, and we, His creation, are not to set varying degrees of value on life merely because the number of a person’s days are shorter than we’d planned.

 I didn’t finish Summer, I couldn’t.  I have read it and I loved it, but not that first weekend when I brought it home from Books A Million with a bag of jelly bellies and a green tea from Starbucks.  I had a night to myself and went to buy this book without ever reading the back.  I started that book and within a couple of chapters couldn’t breath.  I put it away and read it a few chapters at a time, you see that’s all my head and heart could handle.

Today’s sermon was about forgiveness and I have to say it’s the first sermon on this subject where I wasn’t convicted.  What a wonderful feeling.  I sit in church today and instead of feeling shame and anger I was proud and thankful.  I can not think of a single person I hold a grudge against.  Now don’t anyone reading this blog for one minute think that’s because life has handed me a bed of roses, quite the contrary.  I have had more hurts, rejections and disappointments then I care to think about, but because I serve a loving God I have learned to forgive. 

We were given the most awesome gift today, I can’t put into words what it is or what it means to me.  Our friend Gary did a drawing of one of my favorite pictures of Baby James’ hand and Carl’s hand and when I can put words together I will post a picture, it is beautiful.  I will tell you it is the only possession that I have that I actually thought today of who I would want to have it if I died tomorrow.  Truly a blessing, but that’s Gary!